Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Can’t Follow Trump’s Legal Arguments? Try Smoking This Drug.

The 2020 presidential election was held almost three weeks ago, and the result has not been in serious doubt or question for at least two of the three weeks. However, that certainty — that former Vice President Joe Biden defeated President Donald Trump’s re-election bid — has not stopped the Trump campaign from filing a deluge of lawsuits attempting to overturn the results, or stop the certification of the actual results. Despite filing more than thirty separate lawsuits, the Trump campaign has heretofore been unable to stop the process of certifying the results, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping them from filing even more suits, subjecting Trump to stinging defeat after stinging defeat.

The Trump campaign’s lawyers have yet to prove any of their allegations of fraud, and have thrown out some rather far-fetched conspiracy theories to explain why they think Trump lost. Lawyers representing Trump have said in press conferences that they have evidence of conspiracies, including conspiracies involving deceased dictator Hugo Chavez and the companies who make vote counting machines. But if you’re having a hard time really following the legal arguments Trump’s lawyers have made, don’t be embarrassed! You’re not alone!

MORE: Trump Campaign Legal Team Scouring Constitution for ‘Stamping Feet and Holding Breath’ Clause

The arguments being made by the lawyers are complicated, confusing, and it’s not entirely clear what all they’re actually arguing took place. However, as it turns out, there might be a way for you to be able to follow Trump’s legal arguments, and that’s without attending Trump University and it’s famous two-week law school program. You just need to get your hands on some “crack,” apparently.

While not much is known about “crack,” otherwise known as “crack cocaine” in some circles, rumor has it that partaking in it will unlock certain pathways in one’s brain. Those pathways act as conduits to allow the human mind to process what Trump’s lawyers have been blabbering on about for the last couple weeks. This news comes from the International Institute of Things, Stuff, and Such.

“Smoking crack, while not recommended by any serious doctor, can allow for one’s brains to function in a drastically different way than a non-crack brain functions,” the IITSS pamphlet on crack states. “Someone who smokes crack can find themselves believing that dead dictators stole votes, that windmills cause cancer, and that paying $750 a year in taxes when you’re a so-called billionaire means you’re a good businessman and patriot.”

Reportedly, several members of Trump’s legal team, as well as his White House staff, are routine users of “crack.”

“One of the most famous crackheads around is Kellyanne Conway,” one source told us. “There’s not a thought she has that isn’t preceded by a massive hit off that glass dick.”

It should be noted that this publication joins the thousands and thousands of medical professionals in highly recommending you not smoke crack. In fact, we also take it one step further and suggest you not expose yourself to any of the Trump campaign’s insanely stupid legal arguments. But this is a free country, and if you’re just dying to better understand the delusional rantings of a lawyer hired by a scared white collar crook, by all means, find crack in WalMart and other fine retailers across the country.

RELATED: Obama Sends Trump Pop-Up Book Version of His Memoir

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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