Washington D.C. — The Fox News channel is reporting that President Donald Trump has won an unprecedented 600 nationwide offices as a write-in candidate. After touring the country for the past few months, Mr. Trump has made the midterm elections, in his words, “about him.”
“As I stand before you today,” said President Trump speaking to a crowd of about 1500 in Tennessee earlier this week for Marsha Blackburn, the Republican candidate for Senate. “We all know about Marsha, but this election is really about me. Do we need to talk about Marsha? I don’t think so. Great gal that Marsha. So this week, make sure you vote for me on the ballot and not the loser Democrats who want invader rapists into your homes.”
The President then repeated these teleprompter talking points across the nation as he continued to ignore the candidates he traveled to support. Many of his supporters took him literally at his word, and wrote-in his name for every elected office on their ballot.
“I saw’d [sic] President Trump speak ‘dis week in Macon,” said Stone Mountain, Georgia resident and white pride activist Ardy Burl. “He told us he could fix everything. So I made sure to vote for him for everything. I can’t wait to have him as my county commissioner. I’m hoping he can reduce my child support payments.”
All across the country, the write-in-Trump campaign took on a new vigor as Republicans began to realize that they were losing their power base in key government offices like the US Congress and governorships. In North Dakota, President Trump was elected to dog catcher in one district, receiving almost 67% of the vote, and in northern California’s Plumas County, he was elected both to the school board and the Mayor of Quincy, CA.
“I voted for Trump for everything,” said Quincy resident Bartholomew Barth proudly as he exited SAVMOR Foods discount grocery store on Main Street. “Why would they give you a write-in space if they didn’t want you to use it? I want President Trump to run everything in my life because he’s a man who does what he says, and I bet he could talk some sense into my daughter and get her to stop dating that loser boyfriend of hers. Praise Jesus, he can do anything.”
When pressed if the President approved of this massive write-in effort, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders attempted to deflect.
“The President is fighting for everyday Americans,” said Ms. Sanders as she tried to sneak out through the White House’s Rose Garden and avoid the press corp. “The President in no way told the American people to write-in his name, he simply told them that the midterms were about re-electing him.”
Of course Trump’s write-in win is a devastating loss to Republicans, who were seeking to limit what GOP insiders were calling the “Trump effect.” This informal campaign has cost them important government seats and will undoubtedly leave Trump supporters bitter when they realize the President is not going to be approving building permits or ruling on new parking meters in their hometowns.
However it remains to be seen if Trump Supporters will even notice, or for that matter, even care.
“I don’t really care if he becomes Secretary of State,” continued Mr. Burl. “We don’t need him here to help Georgia with restoring the dignity of the white man. He can do that from Washington or Mar-a-Lago. He’s with us in our hearts, just like Jesus is.”