Friday, August 12, 2022

Gaetz Will Deliver Commencement Address for Trump High School’s 2021 Graduating Class

LAKE MORON, FLORIDA — Despite a recent scandal that has yet to resolve itself, Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) is still a very highly sought-after figure in MAGA country. Just this week, Gaetz announced that he would be speaking at a summit held by a group known as “Women for America First,” a reference to one of the mantras of the Trump administration that inspired the MAGA movement. The summit is being held at a Trump-branded resort.

Gaetz made a name for himself as an attention seeking professional troll during the Trump Era. He famously burst into a closed, secured congressional impeachment hearing with pizzas for he and his fellow pro-MAGA Republicans to enjoy. He also infamously wore a gas mask on the House floor to mock people who were taking the COVID-19 pandemic seriously in its early stages and wearing masks. Rep. Gaetz would later contract COVID-19, though he was also quoted recently as saying he’d preferred to have caught its younger sister, COVID-17 instead.

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Today, Gaetz announced he had booked a second speaking engagement, which will take place just as summer begins.

“HI, I’M MATT GAETZ AND I AM LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF SPEAKING IN AN INSIDE VOICE,” Gaetz told the hosts of Newsmax TV’s morning show. “I AM REALLY EXCITED ANNOUNCE THAT I WILL BE GIVING THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT TRUMP HIGH SCHOOL’S GRADUATION CEREMONY IN JUNE! I AM GLAD TO KNOW THAT MY UNDYING FEALTY TO A REALITY-TV GAME SHOW HOST AND TAX CHEAT WILL CONTINUE TO PAY OFF FOR ME SO BIGLY!”

Congressman Gaetz said he hasn’t worked out all the details of his commencement speech. He has, however, come up with a few things he’d like to tell the graduates.

“ALL I KNOW IS I’M GONNA MAKE SURE I GIVE EVERY GRADUATE MY PHONE NUMBER AND TELL THEM TO FOLLOW MY TIKTOKS,” Gaetz shouted. “AT LEAST TO THE YOUNG LADIES. NOT FOR ANY REASON SPECIFICALLY, JUST SO I CAN SHOW THEM GUIDANCE AND MENTORSHIP AND MY PENIS. OOPS! GOTTA RUN NOW, BYEEEEEEE!!!”

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MORE: REPORT: NOBODY CARES WHAT THIS TUBBY SHITDICK THINKS ABOUT THE PANDEMIC HE DOWNPLAYED ANYMORE


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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