Thursday, March 30, 2023

Gaetz Wants First Amendment Expanded to Protect Facebook Accounts and Trafficking Minors

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Facebook’s Oversight Board gave the social media titan the go-ahead to continue former President Donald J. Trump’s permanent suspension. If Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) gets his way, though, Facebook will be forced to allow Trump back on their site, and he told reporters this morning, it’s “all about the First Amendment.”

“Granted, the First Amendment is really just a way to protect your speech and thoughts from government interference and punishment,” Gaetz admitted. “As an attorney, I cannot deny that simple fact. But what my bill would do, if it made it all the way to the end of the process, would be to expand the First Amendment so that it protects Facebook accounts and sex trafficking minors.”


Gaetz explained that since it “takes talking to minors to buy sex from them,” technically that speech should be considered protected by the First Amendment.

“And that includes if you speak to the minor through Venmo payments,” Gaetz insisted. “At least that’s what I think the Founders intended. They wanted the First Amendment to guarantee social media accounts and politicians’ right to pay a seventeen year old girl to fuck him.”

Rep. Gaetz insisted that his new bill represents how he’s always felt about these issues.

“I’ve always felt that social media companies shouldn’t be allowed to censor our Dear President, unless he’s a Democrat, of course,” Gaetz said. “But I also have always felt, deep within my bones, that the First Amendment should protect people who like to pay minors to sleep with them. My values are as consistent as my voice is loud and obnoxious.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Gaetz’ idea has already been lauded by former President Trump. In a statement Trump wrote and asked his buddy to post on Twitter for him, Trump praised Gaetz for “thinking outside the penitentiary” and “finding a way to please his master.”

“Matt is of course very bigly right. The First Amendment says that Facebook, a private company, has to post the things I say,” Trump’s statement said. “Whether it’s a political ad or a racist joke — not to be redundant! — Facebook should be legally required to let me on their website, and more importantly, every Facebook user must be legally forced to like and follow me!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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