WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the nation’s most accomplished functional alcoholics says he has obtained “solid, irrefutable proof” that a Deep State coup took place last month, and that the coup enlisted the conspiratory help of more than 80 million Americans.
“Hi. Hello. Howwwareyou doing? I AM CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ,” Gaetz said, slurring his words, “CAN YOU FUCKIN’ BELIEVE IT? FLORIDIANS AREN’T SO EMBARASSED BY ME THAT THEY’D STOP ELECTING ME TO REPRESENT THEM! Anyway, I had something rilly rilly important to tell you, but now that I’m out here in front of all the cameras I can’t remember…shit…hold on…”
Lifting a finger with much effort, Gaetz told the reporters gathered in front of his congressional office to “hold a minute.” He removed a hip flask and drained it. Then, he pulled a second flask from his jacket’s right breast pocket. He drained that flask down his gullet as well.
“Okay, so checkitout fuckfaces, I was on 4chan last night and someone posted something I thought was pretty perfect,” Gaetz said. “They said that President Trump is the victim of a voting coup, and that basically his presidency was stolen from him by 80 million Americans, maybe even more! Can you believe that?!”
Gaetz argued that “nobody had the right to hurt President Trump’s feelings” and defeat him in an election. Therefore, by his logic, any votes cast for anyone other than Trump are “illegal” and should be thrown out. Congressman Gaetz said it “sets a dangerous precedent to just willy nilly count the votes that are cast.”
“We haffffta get assurances from the libtards that they aren’t, you know, fuckin’ with the votes,” Gaetz said. “Lettin’ illegals and other non-white variants vote, for instance. Very cucky. Very un-American. This needs to be investi-muh-gated or whatever, and I won’t rest, or stop drinking, until it is!”
The Florida Republican then faceplanted and hasn’t been heard from since, though he is snoring and farting quite loudly in his sleep.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.