HOLLYWOOB, CALIFORNIA — Epstein Pictures announced today that it has acquired the rights to tell the life story of filmmaker Woody Allen. Accompanying the news release about the film was a notice that the starring role has already been cast, and a relative newcomer will be playing Allen.
“Not only are we beyond excited to announce that we will begin production on Inappropriate Woody later this fall,” Epstein Pictures wrote, “we have already found the absolute perfect actor to play Woody. We’re confident that Matt Gaetz has everything he needs to truly inhabit this role, though his filmmaking experience is limited to up-skirt videos he posts to dark web sites.”
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There aren’t very many other details available about the film at this time. However, Epstein Pictures says they’ll have some more casting and production announcements in the coming days and weeks. One thing that they did say was that Gaetz’ hiring is “conditional on him not going to jail.”
“Not that we expect him to end up in prison for anything, of course,” the statement reads. “That being said, we’re also looking at how we might be able to film all of Matt’s scenes before we even have a director, crew, or other actors set. Just in case.”
Gaetz released a statement thanking Epstein Pictures for the gig, and promising to put his “blood, sweat, tears, and genitals into the role.”
“I just hope they cast the right kind of actress to play my wife in the movie. Someone young, and fresh,” Gaetz tweeted. “Mmm. So fresh. So crisp.”
Inappropriate Woody is tentatively slated for a debut in theaters in the early part of 2022.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.