Gamestop to Start Requiring 7-Day Waiting Periods on All Violent Video Games

GRAPEVINE, TEXAS — Videogame retail giant Gamestop held a call with stockholders today and announced that in response to pressure from the White House, they will begin requiring a full, seven day waiting period before any violent video games can be sold to any customer of any age.

“Gamestop recognizes that, while there have been violent video games available all over the world, and even though mass shootings are a particularly American problem, that the White House must have a point — because, hey, they’re the White House, and usually even if you disagree with who’s there you can be confident they’re not total pieces of garbage — and maybe we can do something to help,” Gamestop Junior Deputy Chief Stockholder Liaison Laura Craft told investors this morning.

The White House has indicated that, after three mass shootings in less than a week, it would be open to cracking down and regulating violent video games. Ms. Craft said this morning that in order to “get ahead of” industry regulations, Gamestop was voluntarily taking measures to try and keep violent videogames out of the wrong hands.


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“We surely wouldn’t want some kid buying a copy of PacMan and then going on a rampage eating everyone at school,” Craft said, “and I don’t even want to deal with the PR nightmare of Little Susie getting her hands on a copy of Tetris, climbing to the top of a building, and dropping giant blocks on everyone from above. It’s just too crazy to even think about, really.”

Before deciding on the waiting day period for violent games, Craft says that GameStop first did research into the causes of mass shootings.

“Every country has mentally ill people, every country has has violent video games, so what does America have that makes us so much more prone to mass shootings,” Craft said. “I wish I could figure out what it is, but I just can’t put my trigger finger on it. But I’m sure the answer will come like a shot when the time is right.”

In addition to the waiting period, additional changes will be made, Craft said.

“Because our stores are all over the country, some can be in neighborhoods that are a little rough. And so we’ll be giving away free .38 specials to everyone who buys a game — any game — from one of those select stores,” Craft said. “We can never be too gratuitous with how many guns we give to people. It’s not like they’re something dangerous like a video game full of animated ones and zeroes, right? Right? Right.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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