Thursday, September 16, 2021

George W. Bush Pretty Sure He’s Heard of This “Afghanistan” People Keep Talking About

FORT STRATEGERIE, TEXAS — Since leaving office in 2008, former President George W. Bush has spent a considerable amount of time honing his skill as a portrait painter. While nothing that he’s painted will likely be compared to the greats of the medium, sources close to him say that in order to learn how to paint as proficiently as he does, Bush had to push some of his knowledge out of his brain.

A friend of Bush’s, who chose to speak to us only on the condition of anonymity and a gift card to Steak N Shake, explained the situation with a metaphor.

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“Have you ever tried to fill a thimble full of pudding with even more pudding? Well, that’s what Dubya taking on new information and facts is like. Almost exactly, actually.”

Over the past several days, Taliban forces in Afghanistan have started retaking the country, after more than two decades of American occupation. The Afghanistan War — the first conflict started in the name of and in retaliation for the events of 9/11 — began under Mr. Bush’s term. However, when aides and close confidantes spoke to him about the rapid decline in the country his administration invaded, they say the former president isn’t all that confident he knows what they’re talking about.

“Why’s everyone so eager to get my opinion on what’s happening with a bunch of blankets I don’t even own,” Bush reportedly asked one friend. “I’ll talk to about quilts if you want, but I don’t know that what I have to say about afghans is going to make much difference in the long run.”

At some point this weekend, Bush appeared in the living room, where his wife Laura was watching Fox News. The coverage was wall-to-wall Afghanistan, and the pull out of our troops, but Bush apparently still didn’t understand what he was seeing. Even after his wife spent twenty full minutes going back over his election, the 9/11 attacks, and even the Iraq War.

“Yeah, that sounds familiar as hell, but I can’t say I understand a single word that’s coming out of your mouth, Laura,” Bush apparently explained to his spouse. “I’m not a smart man, but I do know what love is, and I love it when you explain things to me, even things I don’t and never will understand.”

Not even Bush’s former employer could jog his memory.

“George,” former Vice President Dick Cheney could be heard on the telephone with Bush this weekend, “what’s happening in Afghanistan is nuts, and it’s tragic. But aren’t you so glad we don’t have to wipe our own asses on this one, George?”

Bush was apparently so confused by what Cheney said that he dropped his pants and started wiping his backside with the Constitution, something is late mother and father had taught him to do from an early age.

“Goddamn it, George,” Cheney said laughing. “You’re a fucking idiot. But you’re a funny fucking idiot, I’ll give you that much.”

At the time of publication, former President Bush still wasn’t sure what that whole Afghanistan thing is about.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.