Sunday, November 27, 2022

Typing “Go Fuck Yourself” On Facebook Now Unleashes A Stream Of Cute Little Animated Dildos

SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Social media giant Facebook is constantly trying to improve the experience its billions of users have every day on the biggest social media platform on the web. Each new tweak to its newsfeed algorithm, each new feature addition or enhancement, is aimed at giving users a unique, fun, or engaging experience while using Facebook.

In recent weeks, you may have noticed, if you’re a Facebook user, that typing some key phrases into post and comment windows create automatic animations. For instance, typing “xoxoxo” will flood your screen temporarily with cartoon hearts. Typing “congratulations” sets off a flurry of confetti and balloons. Even phrases in our shared vernacular like “You’ve got this” will elicit a bouncing “thumbs up” like icon from the bottom of your screen.

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Today, Facebook announced that they will be adding some more contextual animations to key phrases that its users enter most commonly.

“We know that our users engage with each other and the world around them in many different ways, and we strive to continually improve the ways they are able to do just that on our platform,” Facebook writes in a press release from today. “So starting very soon, typing the phrase ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ will result in a fun little animation of cartoon dildos floating all around your screen.”

In the future, Facebook plans to make more key phrases result in fun animations.

“In the coming weeks and months, more phrases will be added to our animation library,” Facebook writes. “So whether you’re telling someone to eat a bag of dicks, or you’re telling someone you think they look cute in their new dress, animations will flood your screen to the point that you’re almost afraid of typing anything so as not to give yourself a stroke from all the tiny little avatars and animation sequences.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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