Thursday, March 30, 2023

God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman’s killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter’s manifesto included references to “The Great Replacement Theory,” many have wondered just what that is, and where it came from.

In general, The Great Replacement Theory states that a concerted effort is being made to force demographic shifts in the United States to the point that white people are no longer the majority. Most human beings with an IQ higher than their shoe size understand the gradual decline of the white majority has more to do with society becoming more open and tolerant of interracial and inter-culture relationships. However, according to the Great Replacement Theory, it’s a concerted, deliberate effort to water down the potency of white Americans.

In an unforeseen development, Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., took responsibility for the Great Replacement Theory, apologized for it, and said he’d abandon the project after this weekend’s shooting proved that “idiots got the wrong idea about” what he was trying to accomplish with it.

“Okay, so apparently I should have made some kind of announcement or done a press release when my son and I started our Great Replacement Project, so that my lesser-intelligent children didn’t think it was some nefarious thing,” God told reporters in Heaven today. “All we did was come up with a way to naturally, over time, reduce the number of slack-jawed racist morons in America and replace them with, at the very least, slightly less racist morons.”

God divulged that he and his son, Jesus Hubert Christ, decided after they observed it for nearly 200 years that the American population was “permanently doomed to be sidled a loud, shrieking minority of racist idiots.” God and Jesus wanted to help the American people “evolve, grow, and change,” but were not interested in what he called “Old Testament solutions.”

“Would a giant flood, focused on the old confederate states, take care of this problem for us? Sure, but I promised Jesus I was done with mass murder, and as a father, I never go back on my word,” God said. “So we decided to start putting suggestions into American lawmakers’ and judges’ minds, encouraging them to help end laws against interracial marriage, non-white migration, etc. We figured if we just removed the racist barriers to integration, that would take care of replacing the racist idiots with non-racists. But we got found out, apparently.”

@jamboschlarmbo Hey, if #freedomofreligion is too hard for you to give others, maybe Americ/ not your jam. #politics #political #politicalsatire #abortionrights #roevwade #religiousright #politok #politicaltiktok #polititok ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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