PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — In breaking news, we have learned that conservatives across the United States have disavowed “God” after He cancelled Rush Limbaugh.
A statement, released by God’s assistant Jermaine, reads in part “…there just comes a time where you have to take out the trash, and that’s exactly what we did. Even as the Almighty, you can only take so much, and Rush just became too problematic for the word, so we cancelled him, so to speak.”
Ted Cruz, the eunuch senator from Florida, started the campaign to disavow God after news broke that Rush’s inconsequential life was taken far too late for any reconciliation.
Said Cruz, “Rush has been too important a mouthpiece for the GOP. No matter how racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, or islamophobic he was, he still exemplified the true values of today’s GOP.”
“We think God made a big mistake today and we’re asking all conservatives to put aside their anger at Starbucks, Yeti coolers, and Hollywood and band together to show God just how upset we are over this,” Cruz continued. ” Cancel Culture is abhorrent and we demand God reverse his decision to get rid of Rush immediately.”
It was a truly disappointing day for the man who used to sit behind a gold microphone. Not only did God cancel him, but while it was always presumed he’d end up in Hell, even Satan told Rush to “fuck off” away from there as well. As reported by sister publication The Political Garbage Chute, Satan minced no words when dispensing with Limbaugh’s soul this morning.
Satan flat-out told Limbaugh his “kind” aren’t welcome in Hell. Limbaugh would “only bring the entire vibe down,” Satan claimed. Even in Hell, most people aren’t “racist, homophobic, misognyst fuckfaces” and Limbaugh would “stick out like a man who looks like a thumb” there.
“We have some of the coolest people to ever live in here. Artists. Poets. Good people, really. But you’re not allowed in. What does that say about you? I’ll tell you what it says about you, Rush,” Satan pummelled the radio host, “it says that you can go join your pals Ailes and Scalia, wherever they fucked off to. Go on, fuck off out of here!” (PGC)
Many fans of God took to the newly revived Parler to express their anger at God, calling for an immediate storming of the Gates of Heaven.
“FlagFucker1776,” most recently arrested for his actions at the nation’s capital, has asked his followers to arm up and show God they mean business.
“We can no longer trust God to pick the wicked from the wise. He’s made a big mistake. No matter how much we pray he take Hillary or AOC, its always one of US. Why not take a liberal? Why is God always taking Conservatives? According to my research,” FlagFucker1776 posted, “since January 6th, God hasn’t cancelled a single liberal, no matter how disgusting they are. It’s always conservatives they’re after. Trust me, I’ve done my research on this.”
This is breaking news and we will continue to provide updates as they come in