Wednesday, December 8, 2021

God Believes in ‘Evolution, Not in Marjorie Greene’s Humanity’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — In a new interview he did with Deities Magazine, Larry “God” Schumway may have just dropped quite the bombshell on Evangelical Christians. For many years, the religious right has downplayed or outright denied evolution, choosing instead to stick to their beliefs that Schumway himself created the Earth and everything that surrounds it.

In his interview with the magazine, Schumway avoids taking direct credit or blame for being the architect or designer of the universes, but did say quite clearly that he “believes” in evolution. He also indicated that he doesn’t believe that a particular Republican congresswoman from Georgia has any “humanity.”

Schumway was asked by the interviewer about comments recently made by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. Rep. Greene, already known for her propensity toward inflammatory rhetoric, appeared on Steve Bannon’s podcast and, while discussing her firm belief that the COVID-19 virus was let out of a lab in China, she indicated that she doesn’t believe in science, but does believe in Schumway.

“I don’t buy it because I don’t believe in evolution. I don’t believe in that type of so-called ‘science’. I don’t believe in evolution, I believe in God,” she said, using air quotes to emphasise her point. (Source)

“Well, that’s great for Margo, but she’s not me. I happen to believe in myself, and in evolution,” God said. “Because, well, I’m an all-knowing being, and so I know that when I look at Earth, I see millions of organisms that have changed over time, naturally, and I know that because I was there in the beginning. But also, because I know how to read science books and absorb the info in them.”

Schumway went so far as to suggest that others not take what Greene says “at face value.” He doesn’t have any faith in the words she says, or things she does, God said.

“If Marjorie Greene tells you that water is wet, you go jump in the me-damn ocean and verify,” Schumway said. “You can see evidence of evolution literally everywhere on Earth. What you can’t find is evidence of her humanity. She trolls teenage victims of gun violence and transgender kids of he Democrat colleagues. I truly don’t know why she calls herself Christian when she doesn’t act or look like any Christian is supposed to act or look.”

Rep. Greene could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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