KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway has announced an immediate and emergency recall of every Bible signed by President Donald Trump during his recent visit to tornado victims in Alabama. Schumay, President and CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., the after-life’s most profitable and longest-running timeshare development, issued the recall after several of his future tenants were struck by lightning or had their Trump-signed holy books erupt into flames spontaneously.
“Firstly, I’m surprised that even a pocket bible would fit in his hands. Secondly, if there’s anyone that has no business putting his name on my self-help book, it’s Mushroom Don,” God said, disdain dripping in his voice. “I know that certain people down there have convinced themselves he’s the genuine article, but if you think that douchebag has anything in common with my son, you were reading the wrong book, schmuck.”
While in the state of Alabama visiting areas devastated by a spate of deadly tornadoes, some Trump supporters started handing him bibles to autograph. Mr. Trump gladly obliged, even signing some right on the front cover.
“Of course an idiot with a me complex would try to take credit for my writing,” God said. “Well, okay, if I’m being totally honest I had a ton of ghost writers and editors, but you get my point. This is just one more thing that Don’s trying to take credit for unjustly.”
Schumway says that when he got word of the bibles being signed by Trump, he was “worried, but overly so,” at first.
“Does this rise to the level of idolatry? Of course. Putting others before God? Literally yes, of course,” God said, laughing. “But if I got worried every time an American Christian did something that’s against the teachings of the Bible, I’d never get a minute of sleep!”
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So far, more than half a dozen people have reported that bibles they had signed by President Trump have experienced some kind of unexpected calamity.
“It’s tragic, but completely unsurprising,” Jesus Hubert Christ, Schumway’s son and Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., told reporters about the reports of bibles exploding or their owners getting struck by bolts of lightning on a clear day. “I mean, would any of us be surprised if we put two magnets down next to each other with their polarities reversed and they shot away from each other? Allegedly there’s at least some truth in the Bible, and there’s nothing that’s true that comes out of Don’s mouth. Maybe if he’d been signing copies of Dianetics or something, but bibles? Shiiiittttt.”
Starting immediately, Schumway is asking all human beings who are in possession of a bible signed by Trump to return them to Heaven, immediately.
“Folks can use the special pneumatic tubes we had installed in all the church basements a couple of years ago,” God said. “Alternatively, they can just burn them. I don’t really care, we got infinity of those things in the warehouse anyway.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.