CRACKDEN, GEORGIA — Freshman congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), spent her Easter weekend doing what many pro-MAGA Christian conservatives found themselves doing as well.
“I had myself a truly wonderful Easter weekend, celebrating my true Lord and Savior, and of course his son,” Rep. Greene told reporters as she arrived for work back in D.C. this morning, crack smoke already billowing from her overly-tanned lips. “Let me just tell you, nothing feels better as an American Christian than worshiping our God, as the First Amendment tells us we can, and without the interference of Joe Biden’s woke Antifa cancel culture mob’s permission too!”
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Greene said she spent most of Sunday “singing praise songs and praying” to her God. She also baked home made crack pies and had crack ham (that’s ham with a side of crack) with her family. Ms. Greene believes that “all good, clean, melanin-free, gun toting American Christian patriots” likely did similar things as well.
“When you’re worshiping our savior and his son, you just can’t help but feel like you’re part of a big community,” Greene explained. “Like the confederacy, or the klan, or whatever, you know what I mean? Maybe the loony left will never understand what it’s like to stare into the dead eyes of a reality-TV game show host and his somehow more idiotic son and see your salvation, but we all do.”
Rep. Greene said she was “honored and surprised” when all her prayers were answered, directly, by her God himself.
“So when he called me up to thank me for all the support I’ve given him, I just about spit my crack pipe out,” Greene said with pride in her voice. “How many people do you know that have a hotline to God? Just me and Pat Robertson, as far as I can tell. Oh, and Vlad Putin. You guys wanna see me do some weird-ass pullups now?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.