Thursday, June 1, 2023

Greene Demands an Update From the FDA on Approval of Bleach and Sunlight Injections

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of waiting, the Food and Drug Administration finally gave its full approval to Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. However, for some that isn’t good enough, and the FDA needs to also rush its approval of other forms of treatment.

At a press conference this morning, freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) angrily demanded that the FDA “immediately and very quickly” issue its full authorization for two COVID treatments touted by former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump last year, at the height of the pandemic.

“I think it’s very suspicious that the FDA will approve a vaccine, probably because George Soros or Barack Obama told them to,” Greene said, smoking crack as she spoke to reporters, “but they won’t even look into approving bleach injections or shooting sunlight up our Sean Spicer-holes! WHAT GIVES, FDA?! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A NEVER TRUMPER BUNCH OF SOYBOY BETA CUCKS! HULK SMASH!”

Greene proceeded to turn green and smash the lectern she was speaking at. After being administered an emergency dose of Trump’s cum, she was able to calm down enough to continue screeching conspiracy theories.

“I have personally had no fewer than 200 anal sun-shines and it’s both light and refreshing, and I think, the most amazing way to keep yourself healthy,” Greene explained. “I think people would never get COVID if they used me three step plan for health. One – smoke crack. Two – shoot sun light up your cornhole. Three — smoke more crack. Bingo-bango-bongo, no COVID!”

During the press event, Greene deflected away questions about when, or if, she’ll return the brain cell she and fellow freshman Congressional Terrorist Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) borrowed from former half-term Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin.

“When the GOP asked me to let them borrow one of my thinkin’ blobs, I didn’t think nothin’ of it, dontchyaknow. That’s what we Mama Grizzlies do when we’re not doing photo ops at Chick-Fil-As and making fun of mom jeans,” Palin quipped on OAN this morning. “We give for the greater good. Besides, I can do most things I need to with one brain cell, despite what the elite liberal media wants you to believe. Excuse me while I belch out right-wing buzzwords: cancel culture, socialism, protect the unborn, these colors don’t run.” (NRN)

“I’ve told Sarah several times now that she’ll get her brain cell back when Trump University’s med school figures out how to make a MAGA brain in a lab,” Greene responded to questioning on the subject. “Apparently, you can’t just fart in a jar full of pudding, like Q told us you could do. Which is weird because otherwise, Q is so on the money with everything he says.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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