Saturday, June 19, 2021

Greene Says She’ll Have Q-Anon Tattoos Removed Via Secret Space Laser

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) divulged to reporters today that she has “a handful of Q-Anon tattoos,” which she had done prior to being elected to the House of Representatives. Greene also said, however, that by the end of the year, she plans to have those tattoos removed.

Rep. Greene explained that while she has decided to remove her Q-Anon tattoos, she is doing so of her own volition, and not because of pressure from outside groups or individuals.

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“Look, I’m proud of all my tats, okay? My Trump Tramp Stamp is literally one of my favorite things I’ve ever spent money on,” Greene said while letting out a loud neigh and some crack smoke while speaking to reporters. “So me having them removed has absolutely nothing to do with caving to cancel culture or the lamestream fake news media. I’m having them removed because that way I can fit more Trump tattoos on my body. You should see the one I have planned for my cinnamon hole!”

In a perhaps unforeseen twist, Greene further reported that she’d be hiring a company that uses a rather unusual method for tattoo removal.

“I have already signed a contract with Lox-n-Lasers to do the actual removal, and I’m extremely happy they’ll be the ones using their secret space laser to do it,” Greene said with a chuckle. “Then again, now that I’ve talked about it, it ain’t so secret, is it? And before you ask, I had no idea what a ‘lox’ was so, no, I did not know they were a bunch of ki – I mean, heebs, I mean Jewish people who I totally love no matter how many pictures I took with tiki torch carrying guys yelling about ki – I mean heebs, SHIT! — I mean Jews, okay?”

Lox-n-Lasers will remove Greene’s various Q-Anon tattoos one at a time, using a laser installed on a satellite in orbit around Earth. Greene says she’s not worried about the accuracy of a laser shooting at her skin from such a distance however.

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“My teeth are big enough you can see them from light years away, they told me,” Greene explained. “So they said they could hit my tattoos even if their laser was in a different galaxy! I’m so excited to be able to show Dear President Trump how much I love him in ink!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.