Friday, March 31, 2023

Greene Vows to ‘Destroy’ Tech Companies That Hand Over Records By Making Donald Trump Their CEO

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Congressional Republicans once more found themselves worked into a lather over the failed insurrection of January 6th. That day, a violent mob of pro-MAGA, pro-Trump Republican voters, urged on by weeks of baseless allegations of election fraud, stormed the capitol while Congress certified Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 election.

Despite tough talk aimed at Trump that day, most every elected Republican has since softened their rhetoric toward the former, one-term, twice forever impeached president. However, try as they might to collectively whitewash and memory hole the events of that day, the special January 6th Select Committee has continued its investigation. This week, the committee announced that it ask several prominent telecom companies to preserve communication records that day, but not just records of average citizens. The committee plans to ask telecom companies for the communication records of members of congress as well.


This development has incensed Republicans such as House Minority Leader Qevin McCarthy (R-CA) and freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA). Greene was so incensed by the news that she did several interviews on conservative media last night, blasting the committee and vowing “swift and full revenge” against any company that complies.

“Tucker, I myself cannot wait until Mike Lindell and Sasquatch escort King Forever President Trump down Pennsylvania avenue, astride Nessie, and restore him to his rightful place atop his throne,” Greene told Tucker Carlson. “But if the Antifa-Cancel Culture-George Soros Squad keeps that from happening, I have a plan that will destroy any company that complies with the January 6th witch hunt.”

Greene says that once Republicans retake control of the House, she’ll use her congressional powers to gain control of any and all telecoms that hand over congressional communication records. It’s unclear which powers actually give Congress that right, but Greene seemed unfazed by things such as reality or legality.

“You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna appoint Donald J. Trump as the CEO of every single one of those companies. Every single one,” Greene told Carlson. “I don’t know of any quicker way to obliterate a company than by having Donald Trump expertly run it right into the ground. CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS.”

Carlson and Greene shared a cartoon villain laugh together as the Fox News producers took the broadcast into a commercial break.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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