Democracy, so confusing, am I right? There are so many intricate levels to running an election that it’s no surprise sometimes we all get a little confused about how they work. That phenomenon seems particularly acute when an election is close.
One question that seems to have come up recently is whether or not all the votes that were legally cast should be counted. Some say that yes, in fact, if a vote was cast legally it should be counted. Largely, arguments in favor of such a policy are “fucking duh” and “that’s how democracy works, you giant idiot.” However, there are some with equally strong opinions about when the counting should stop, and those people have the loudest, foot stomping-est way of demanding the vote counting stop when they’re ahead.
STOP THE COUNT!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 5, 2020
Public interests dictate that we dive a little deeper into this topic, however, because clearly there seems to be at least some disagreement or confusion as to just what percentage of the legally cast ballots are supposed to be counted during an election.
That’s why we put together this simple, handy guide for you.
A Handy Guide for Determining How Many of the Votes to Count in a Close Election
QUESTION 1: WERE THE BALLOTS CAST LEGALLY?
IF YES: Count them all, you fuckwit.
IF NO: Obviously don’t count those, idiot.
As you can see, this guide is really all one would ever need to help them determine just which votes should be counted during a free and fair electoral process. But as a special bonus, we decided to throw in one more handy, dandy election-based guide for our loyal readership.
A Handy Guide for Determining When You Should Stop Counting Votes in a Close Election
QUESTION 1: HAVE YOU COUNTED EVERY BALLOT YET, NICHOLE?
IF YES: Congrats! You’ve done an “freedom” and can stop counting since you’ve already stopped counting when you, you know, counted them all.
IF NO: Count all the ballots, Nichole.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.