Friday, August 12, 2022

Hannity: “How Long Before Biden Starts Caring About His Twitter Follower Count Like a Patriot?”

Fox News host and Media Monthly’s “Sexiest Fuckwit Alive” for 1999 Sean Hanity went off the rails on his radio show this morning.

Hannity, in a lather and audibly fighting back sobs, demanded to know when social media companies would let former one-term, twice permanently impeached, never won the popular vote President Donald Trump would be let back onto their websites. He also got himself worked up discussing President Joe Biden’s tweeting style, and implied that Biden isn’t patriotic because he doesn’t “whine even a tiny little bit” about how tech companies treat him, or brag about his Twitter follower count.

MAN WHO GOT D- IN HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE CLASS HAS STRONG OPINIONS ON FAUCI’S PERFORMANCE

“I need someone to explain to me how this man allegedly got 81 million votes, but isn’t patriotic enough to complain about how Big Tech censors him,” Hannity demanded, tears streaming down his face. “This clown has been in charge for almost six months, and I haven’t seen him bully anybody on Twitter. Hell, I haven’t even seen him brag about his followers on Twitter! How long is he going to make the American people wait?”

Biden is “playing with commie fire,” Hannity insisted, by not focusing more energy on building his social media reach.

“How long before Biden starts caring about his Twitter follower count like a patriot? How long, Joe,” Hannity asked, “before you wake up and smell the coffee. Stop playing with commie fire and start giving a crap about your likes and subscribers! And for God’s sake, Joe, tell the Heartland why you haven’t mentioned how hot sexy your daughter your ENTIRE TERM, JOSEPH!”

If Republicans manage to take back the House and Senate during next year’s mid-terms, an emotional Hannity told his listeners he thinks Biden’s lack of social media complaints is “extremely impeachable.”

“Frankly, I think if a Democrat farts they should be at minimum brought up on sedition charges, but surely it’s impeachable if Joe doesn’t start complaining about Big Tech soon,” Hannity asserted. “I hope that when we take back our Congress from the baby killing socialist commie cuck soyboy other conservative buzzword insults that we immediately launch a full-scale, Benghazi-level investigation into why Sleepy Joe isn’t doing more about his Twitter follower count.”

IVANKA TO NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL: “DADDY DOESN’T NEED MORE REASONS TO ROLL OVER ON ME!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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