Friday, August 12, 2022

Hannity Demands Full Audit of 1860 Presidential Election

Fox News host Sean Hannity told his radio audience today that he believes all fifty states in America should be conducting “rigorous, exhaustive audits” of the 2020 election. He also said “true patriots” won’t stop there, though. They’ll also demand that every single election that they don’t “feel the results were fair or right” be audited as well.

“And I say we start with the election that ultimately ruined the America you, I, and all we melanin-free patriots know and love so dearly,” Hannity demanded. “I say we start with the so-called election of the Tyrant Lincoln, in 1860.”

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Hannity blames the 1860 election for being the first time “libtards in this country tried and succeeded in radically altering the United States.”

“Think of all the property they ripped away from good, clean, southern farmers! It was a total commie libcuck socialist takeover of their economy,” Hannity shouted. “Without Lincoln’s tyranny, think of all the property those same farming families, the salt of the earth plantation owners, would have today!”

In 1860, several states were still just territories. Hannity says this is the biggest reason he “smells something Ivanka-y” about the election that year. Though Hannity is a Republican himself, he said Lincoln was “clearly a George Soros plant” and he didn’t “really believe in MAGA.”

“I’m sorry, but something smells Ivanka-y about that election,” Hannity insisted, before asking, “How can you have an election where so many of your states couldn’t even vote in it?! I don’t think we should stop until we uncover or manufacture the evidence we need to throw that election, and the results of the Civil War, completely out!”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (Q-IA) supported Hannity’s request for a full audit of the 1860 election.

“I knew it back then. I knew that something didn’t sit right with me, even as spry man in my early fifties,” Grassley said. “That election was tainted. I’m telling you I saw lots of taint back then! So much taint!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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