WASHINGTON, D.C. — The articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump have been, at long last, delivered to the Senate. There, the trial to either convict or acquit the president on two charges — one of abuse of power and the other of obstruction of Congress — is set to take place beginning as soon as next Tuesday. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) has indicated his hope is for a speedy trial, with limited, if any, witnesses, and no new evidence presented.
Last evening, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow aired an interview she conducted with an indicted co-conspirator of Rudy Giuliani’s plot to uncover dirt on former Vice President Joe Biden, Lev Parnas. Mr. Parnas implicated not only Giuliani, but Vice President Mike Pence, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and President Trump himself, in the effort to shove former Ambassador to the Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch out of her duties, in order to put more pressure on the newly elected Ukrainian president to announce a criminal investigation into Biden and/or his son, Hunter. Parnas’ texts and WhatsApp messages were contained in newly released evidence from House Democrats, indicating that he and Robert Hyde, a Trump donor and congressional candidate, were conducting surveillance on Yovanovitch. The messages seem to imply an actual threat of physical harm to the former ambassador as well.
Though it’s unclear if the Senate will hear any of the new evidence during the impeachment trial, McConnell has no control over the press reporting on these developments, and there’s no telling what kind of damage can be done to Trump’s re-election efforts. This morning, in a truly ironic bit of timing, Ukraine announced it was officially investigating whether Yovanovitch was the subject of illegal surveillance. It would seem there are still quite a few chips to fall.
In another development this morning, a law firm has officially reached out and offered its services to President Trump during his impeachment trial. The Law Offices of Hannity, Limbaugh, and Bongino, LLP drafted and sent a letter to the White House, offering to give Trump the “best legal defense three mush-brained, sycophantic, non-lawyers could muster.” The trio of media pundits, some of Trump’s most ardent defenders, have offered to do the job for trump “pro-boner.”
“And no, Mr. President, that’s not a typo. We meant pro-boner,” the letter states emphatically, “because defending you, our good, clean, white collared, white-skinned overlord emperor from the rampant and wanton application of accountability, gives us enormous erections, Mr. President, sir. It would be our enormous honor to apply what none of us learned in law school to helping you get off, and we mean that in both a metaphorical and a literal sense, sir.”
The law firm admits that none of its senior partners actually hold any degrees in law, and therefore everything they tell their audiences every day about what is legal or illegal is “purely partisan noise, conjecture, wishful thinking, and spin.” However, they argue, the specific circumstances of this particular trial create a situation wherein “none of us actually need any law degrees or schooling.”
“Senator McConnell has already bravely agreed to make this a show trial anyway,” the three write. “Therefore, the fix is in. You actually don’t need any lawyers at all, Mr. President, sir. That’s why two college dropouts and a disgraced former Secret Service agent would be the absolutely perfect legal representation for you.”
Hannity, Limbaugh, & Bongino, LLP further addressed issues of whether or not any of their associates hold law degrees head-on.
“Sure, none of us went to law school, but all three of us happen to have graduated summa cum laude from Trump University and clown college,” the trio wrote, “thereby making us, we think, the single most qualified law firm to represent you in any affair. We’d also like to point out that we kiss your sons’ asses and have them on our shows, like, all the time, and we’d be more than happy to hire them as associates as well, Mr. President. Anything you want, you know all you have to do is ask us. We’re your willing, servile, minions, and we would continue that relationship as your lawyers for this impeachment trial.”
The firm argues that Trump’s loyal supporters would be quite pleased with him hiring them for the trial.
“Let’s face it, the only arguments your base listens to are the ones we make while screaming into microphones every day,” the offer states. “So really you’d be doing them, and us all, a huge favor by continuing that process for a bit. None of your supporters bat an eyelash when they hear the legal theories posed by three chowder headed morons like us every day, so why should it be any different when the impeachment trial begins?”
The White House has not responded to the offer made by Hannity, Limbaugh, & Bongino, LLP. Sources say the president is seriously considering it, however.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.