Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Josh Hawley Will Contest Electoral College’s Certification of Black Votes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, outgoing, lame duck, one-term no matter what President Donald J. Trump’s effort to overturn the 2020 election got a shot in the arm from the junior Senator from Missouri.

In a tweet, Sen. Josh Hawley, a Republican, announced that on January 6th, 2021, when Congress meets for the formality of certifying Joe Biden’s Electoral College victory, Hawley will join with his House colleagues’ efforts to block certifying the results. The Constitution does allow for this process to take place, and Hawley’s announcement all but assures that there will be two hours of fruitless debate in each congressional chamber before Biden is ultimately certified as the winner, just two weeks before he is given the oath of office.

MORE: Biden Hires New Moving Company to Assist Trump’s Exit from White House

Hawley’s tweet announcing his intention to block the Electoral College results being certified, is seen below.

In an interview just an hour or so after making his announcement, Hawley tried to add more nuance and context to his decision. Hawley told WKKK’s Chip Chatterly, a conservative talk show host, that he was ultimately just going to contest the votes cast by a certain group of voters from Pennsylvania. Namely, Hawley intends to block the Electoral College from certifying any votes cast by African Americans, or “even slightly darker skinned, tanned white people.”

“I guess I figured it was time to just say the quiet part out loud,” Hawley told Chatterly today. “So I’m going to contest every black vote that was certified on the grounds that counting them is a clear violation of the Constitution’s original intent, because counting those votes as normal contradicts the Three-Fifths Compromise, at least in spirit.”

The Three-Fifths Compromise was struck down as part of the ratification of the Reconstruction Acts passed after the Civil War. The 14th Amendment’s equal protection clause renders the Three-Fifths Compromise — a deal that agreed to count slaves as just 66% of a white man for purposes of censusing and apportioning congressional representatives. Hawley argues that because the Three-Fifths Compromise was never fully argued before the Supreme Court, it should be considered valid, and black votes should be at the very least reduced in impact by 33%.

“I could beat around the bush, or I could just come right out and say it. Which would you respect more? All I’m saying is that any time a large number of black people vote,” Hawley said, “it’s suspicious. Why are you saying that makes me racist, just because I’m only casting largely black voting numbers in doubt? Sheesh. Lighten up, you overwoke fools!”

Donald Trump will leave office on January 20th, regardless of what Hawley or anyone else does on January 6th.

RELATED: Least Popular President In History Still Struggling to Cope With Losing Popularity Contest

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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