NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has issued a formal apology to the people of the United States of America for “repeatedly engaging with and meeting a Russian operative” during the 2016 presidential election.
“It has come to my attention that my initial suspicions were correct, and that I repeatedly engaged with an operative working in the stead of Vladimir Putin, President of Russia,” Ms. Clinton wrote in a new statement addressed to “the entire American public.”
Ms. Clinton says that she had “very strong feelings” that this person was a Russian agent, and that she even tried to “drop hella hints” about her theory, but that “too many Republicans and their voters wanted to own the libs instead of opening their eyes to what was happening in front of them.”
“I had this sneaky feeling all during the election that this creepy guy was probably a Russian plant,” Hillary wrote. “But you can’t just go tossing out accusations without evidence unless you’re a Republican implying Blacky McDemocratface is a secret Commie Kenyan Muslim. Or you have my last name and they’re saying you’re both a decrepit, weak old woman and a cold blooded assassin, of course. So I decided to just drop hella hints and hope the American people picked up on them.”
Former Secretary Clinton writes that the summit between Russian President Vladimir Putin and “the alleged president of our own country” in Helsinki and the press conference that followed it this week provided “stark and unavoidable evidence of an employer/employee relationship.”
“It should be alarming to every American, regardless of party, that a leader of a foreign, hostile government can order an cyber attack on our country, and the man who literally takes an oath to defend us then stands in front of everyone and shields that leader from blame,” Clinton wrote. “But I know, my emails, right, guys? I’d like to think that if I were president, and I had done this that the Republicans would be giving me just as much leeway, but something tells me I’d be hearing LOCK HER UP until my ears fell off.”
Clinton says she “certainly learned a lot of hard lessons” in the wake of her 2016 loss.
“One of those things I learned is that it doesn’t matter how loudly someone screams about their opponent being a Russian stooge, bought and paid for entirely,” Clinton wrote. “When Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham are making people mad about an email server even though they can’t spell ’email’ or ‘server’ or ‘America’ or ‘treason’ or…well, you get the point, guys.”
No response from the White House was received by the time of publication.