Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Home Depot Sponsors 129 Miles of Trump’s Border Wall

Atlanta, GA — The world’s largest home improvement retailer announced today that it plans on sponsoring up to 129 miles of President Trump’s border wall. Home Depot, known for its labyrinth-like shopping experience and employees who avoid eye-contact says sponsoring sections of the wall is a “perfect government/corporate fit.”

“We are proud to participate with President Trump’s emergency declaration,” said Home Depot spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “This country has given so much to Home Depot, and this is a way we can pack it back.”

By sponsoring large sections of the wall, the home improvement giant hopes they can help offset the costs to the Federal government. And it’s also a “branding” opportunity for the chain.

“Of course we’ll be supplying much of the supplies for the wall and our logo will be featured prominently,” continued Ms. Millbright. “We also plan on including instructions on how to build a replica of the wall around your house to keep your neighbor’s prying eyes out. You’ll be able to download the plans from our website or our mobile app.”

Former Home Depot CEO Bernie Marcus is a staunch supporter of President Trump. In a 2016 essay called “Why I Stand With Donald Trump,” Mr. Marcus stated that “[a]s a backer of former Republican presidential candidates, I now stand in support of Donald J. Trump because the fate of this nation depends upon sending him, and not Hillary Clinton, to the White House.” It was unclear until today how much pull the former chief executive had on the current company.

The Home Depot Way

What makes Home Depot’s announcement novel, is not that they’re funding sections of the wall, but rather how they’re going to do it.

“We plan on using out retail centers and suppliers for the project,” said regional director of operations Dalton H. Jesser. “We’ll use the materials in several stories near the border and our fleet of delivery vehicles to make this happen. It’s a top priority. And it will happen fasts as we’re going to use miles of pre-fabricated pine and cedar fencing.”

Critics of Home Depot’s plan call the company’s efforts hypocritical as it has benefited from illegal labor frequently hired just outside their retail centers. Many are suspicious that Home Depot would be willing to limit cross-border traffic if it impacts the ability of its core  customers to hire cheap, undocumented day laborers.

In a related move, international food conglomerate Chiquita started a sponsorship drive that funding over 60 miles of the wall, while Rush Limbaugh was only willing to fund 5.2 inches of the wall. President Trump is said to have put up enough of his own money for 3 inches of the wall, but critics argue that may endanger the habitat of a rare mushroom.

Home Depot says it plans on letting the public help in its wall-building efforts. However it would be on a volunteer basis for “patriotic” Americans.

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue, and seldom loses. Mostly because he's well informed. And somewhat gassy
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