COUSINBANGER, KENTUCKY — For the last fifteen years, Clem C. Calhoun worked at his local grocery store, in the stockroom. Every weeknight, Clem and his team would help restock the shelves and get the story ready for the next day’s customers and business. Last week, however, Clem was let go by his employer, and in interview on OAN, he claims he was a victim of “far-left Marxist cancel culture.”
“Well, all I know is that one day I’m at a rally with my fellow patriots, demanding that our government reverse the egregious stolen election we know in our hearts took place last year,” Calhoun explained to the show’s host, “and my hood slipped off. I don’t know when or where it came off, but all of a sudden I could see everything in my field of vision again, not just through the eye holes in my hood.”
In addition to being a stock boy, Clem was also in his local chapter of the KKK. Calhoun acknowledges that many of his former co-workers are people of color, and that they wouldn’t be allowed to join the klan, and in fact would be the targets of race-based attacks, but that what he does on his “off the clock time” is nobody else’s business. A local paper was covering the klan rally Clem attended, and managed to snap a photo of him without his hood on.
When he was fired by the grocery store, his shift manager, an African American, told him they had no choice but to let him go, after the newspaper in town printed a story on the rally featuring the picture of a hoodless Clem.
“I told him he was bending the knee to the far-left mob. I said that I should be allowed to be a complete piece of shit anonymously and not lose my job if I ever lose my cloak of invisibility, or in this case, my hood of racism. I told him he was literally murdering my First Amendment rights with his cancel culture bullshit,” Clem said, “and that son of a bitch still had the nerve to fire me! Can you believe that? A white man is telling him what isn’t racist, and the son of a bitch didn’t even listen to me!”
Clem indicated he was going to sue his employer for wrongful termination, but no lawyer in town wants to take his case, and the only lawyer he could find that would is too expensive.
“Judging by his record in court lately, I wouldn’t have thought Giuliani would charge so much,” Clem said, “but he wanted a shit load of money I can’t afford. So I guess I’ll go file for unemployment and hope the klan has some under the table work I can do chopping down trees for crosses or something.”