Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Horse-Faced Cave Troll Desperately Seeking Attention

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There’s a horse-faced troll in the nation’s capitol, sent there by Georgia.

It’s obvious this troll wants something, and is very desperate for it. It’s just as obvious that she has absolutely no scruples when it comes to getting what she wants. At the core of her being, this horse-faced troll craves one thing more than anything, even her beloved crack cocaine, which she is never seen without. The horse-faced cave troll in question wants nothing more than sweet, sweet attention.


She showed up in January to stay, but recently videos have been uncovered that show this horse-faced cave troll stalking the hallways of Congress and harassing progressives like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez before the troll was elected. Since moving to the Hill permanently, the troll has tried to bully Ocasio-Cortez into a debate, though the New York Democrat has pointed out how unfair it would be for someone with two advanced degrees to debate a “buck-toothed domestic terrorist potato.”

It’s not just the troll who is thirsty for attention; her staff seems hungry for the spotlight as well. This morning, the horse-faced troll’s aide got into a confrontation with Rep. Eric Swalwell, another Democrat, over Swalwell’s choice to continue to mask-up, despite being vaccinated. It seems that whether it’s the horse-faced troll or someone else, attention is all they’re interested in, and certainly not doing the job they’re supposedly there to do.

Interestingly, though, the “give a mouse a cookie” paradigm seems to also apply to the horse-faced Georgian cave troll. Once she does get even a modicum of attention, instead of it satiating her needs, it only amplifies her manic, abusive, trolling, bullyish behavior. One can’t ignore her to get her to go away, but one also can’t simply dole out a small amount of attention hoping she’ll just slink off and go away, either.

“She reminds me of cancer. You can’t ignore it and hope it’ll go away,” one anonymous D.C. staffer told us, “but even when you start confronting it, that might not get rid of it, and it could still end up destroying everything it touches.”

The horse-faced troll did not comment on this story.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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