Wednesday, May 31, 2023

House Republicans Urging States to Rush Kids Back Into Potential School Shootings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The country cannot afford to keep kids out of potential school shooting situations any longer, according to a growing chorus of Republicans in the House of Representatives.

During their weekly press briefing, the House GOP announced that they would be “backing any state plan” that will rush kids back into schools, where they can then become potential school shooting victims. Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA), the Republican minority leader, said that the issue is twofold.


“First of off, we have to get kids back into schools so we can open up the economy. As we all know, deadly viruses can’t be kept under control unless unemployment is under 5%,” McCarthy announced. “But second of off, there’s another economic argument to be made, and the reality is that one of our country’s most important industries has been devastated by the decrease in school shootings, and mass shootings in general, since the coronavirus restrictions started to get implemented all over this great nation.”

Citing the rise in gun sales after every mass shooting, which groups like the National Rifle Association use to play-up Americans’ fears of being caught without a gun in the middle of such an incident, Rep. Matt Gaetz slurred his thoughts to reporters.

“Ummm, hellllo? If we don’t have masss shotinnnggss in this country, the NRA will go broke,” Gaetz stammered. “If they go broke, that means my campaign fund getsss a lot lessss money from them, and that would make me very angry, you guys! I deserve monies, and the NRA needs kids getting shot every couple days to get the mostest money possible, so you do the math you libtarded soyboy beta cucks!”

In 2019 there were about 25 school shooting incidents, depending on how one classified them. In 2018, there were counts that put that number at just about 24, or two a month for the calendar year, including months when kids were out of school in the summer. However, in 2020, that number plummeted to almost nothing, based on the fact that so many kids were attending classes virtually.

“The sooner we get our targets — er, I mean kids — back in schools, the sooner we can get this country back to normal,” McCarthy insisted. “Back to their lockdown and active shooter drills, and yes, every so often being murdered in their classrooms. Because, you know, freedom isn’t free or whatever.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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