Friday, January 27, 2023

Huckabee Sanders Says She’s Running to ‘Prove You Can Slap Lipstick on a Pig and Call It Governor’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Offended by us calling Sarah Huckabee Sanders a “pig” in this article? You are free to leave your complaints at any one of the kinderconcentration camps Sarah defended, and can tell the migrant orphans Sarah had no problem creating, how offended you are. The rest of us will keep calling people who are disgusting on the inside and out “ugly” without losing a wink of sleep.

–The Management

LAKE LYING FUCKFACE, ARKANSAS — In a sleepy town just at the base of the Ozarks in northern Arkansas, former White House Propagandist Sarah Huckabee Sanders officially launched her campaign for Governor of Arkansas this morning.

While Huckabee Sanders was addressing a crowd of maskless Arkansans, her official social media accounts published a nearly eight minute long video, introducing her campaign. In the video, Huckabee Sanders lashed out at liberals and progressives and touted her connection to the racist troll successor to President Barack Obama. Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ video is seen below.

It had been rumored for quite some time that Ms. Huckabee Sanders would be entering the political arena. Her father Mike previously held the same office she’s seeking. On the campaign trail today, Huckabee Sanders gave no indication either way if she’d continue some of the policies her father started.

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“Look, if my brother kills another dog, I’m sure you idiot jerkfuckface media people will ask me about it,” Huckabee Sanders said in her trademark gruff and curt tone,” and I’ll do what Daddy did — bury the dog and the story. But I don’t know that it’s gonna be some official policy of my administration or nothin’.”

Ultimately, Huckabee Sanders said she’s running for governor because she “wants to collect another government paycheck while demonizing people who get money from the government to survive.” However, she said that her “main motivating reason” for throwing her hat in the ring was something entirely a different and more personal.

“I just want to prove you can slap lipstick on a pig and calli it governor,” Huckabee Sanders said, “regardless of what the mainstream liberal intelligentsia elite class tell you!”

At the same time, Huckabee Sanders endorsed one of her “best and closest friends” for Lt. Governor.

“I think you should also consider voting for gravy for lieutenant governor,” Huckabee Sanders said. “I love gravy. And I’ve loved gravy and had a close, personal working relationship with gravy my whole life. Gravy would make an excellent second in command!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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