WASHINGTON, D.C. — A bleary-eyed, disheveled looking Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was seen entering the national archives this morning, a look of concern in his eyes. Sources close to the situation say the newest member of the country’s highest court had some “very important, pressing matters” that needed his attention, and he was seeking clarification from within text of the Constitution.
“Brett ralph’d pretty hard on his pocket Constitution last night, so the parts about Supreme Court justices and their oaths were all pretty much illegible,” one source told us via Skype. “Justice Kavanaugh was trying to figure out if his oath still counts, even if he was completely blacked out drunk while he took it.”
During the course of Mr. Kavanaugh’s extremely contentious confirmation process, allegations that he is a heavy drinker came to light. In addition, multiple women and corroborating sources came forward to accuse him of sexual impropriety while inebriated. Kavanaugh vehemently denied those claims, and in an unprecedented final moment of his confirmation hearing, he insinuated the allegations were part of a vast, left-wing conspiracy.
“I got shooo fuckin’ hammerred yesterday becaush I was feeling shooo good after those rotten Demoncraps dragged me through the mud using my own words and actions against me,” Kavanaugh was heard slurring. “So I don’t even remember TAKING the fuckin’ oath man! Do I have to retake it? DO I?! WILL ONE OF YOU CUNTS TELL ME IF I HAVE RETAKE THE FUCKKKKIN’ OATH?!”
Eyewitnesses say at the celebration dinner President Trump held for Kavanaugh last night, the new justice was seen knocking back several beers. Later that night, Kavanaugh was spotted rubbing his genitals on a painting of Dolly Madison and asking it if the painting wanted to go to the Lincoln bedroom with him and listen to records. The painting declined and was last seen throwing itself into a fireplace rather than be hit on by Justice Kavanaugh again.
“Do you have to be conscious to take the oath? I know you can be brain dead and vote for Trump, but can you be ossified drunk and officially take the Supreme Court oath,” Kavanaugh was heard slurring.
At the time of publication, Kavanaugh could still be seen feverishly examining every paragraph of the Constitution, seeking the clarification he needs. This story is developing and will be updated when necessary.