WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, the Pentagon is confirming that the United States military is formulating a response to an unforeseen and catastrophic attack on its nuclear arsenal from Hurricane Dorian. Reportedly, President Trump is incensed and outraged that, as he was quoted as saying to the joint chiefs of staff by an aide this morning, “cuckish generals didn’t listen” to his suggestion to strike hurricanes with nuclear weapons prior to landfall.
“See? See? What did I tell you idiots? I know more than you do! This is why I said you have to strike first,” Trump bellowed and raged at the joint chiefs, “and now we’ve been caught with our pants down…without even a single piss-whore around to make us feel more comfortable about it! I want action plans. NOW NOW NOW!”
According to several sources, this morning Hurricane Dorian initiated an attack on America’s nuclear weapons. At this point in time, the United States military is unable to launch a strike against Hurricane Dorian. Many have already made comparisons between Pearl Harbor and today’s attack. Thankfully, there have been no casualties reported thus far.
It’s still very unclear how the attack was carried out, who was involved, or even why it was successful in the first place. There has been no official statement from Hurricane Dorrian, and it’s unclear if, or when, one will be forthcoming. What is known, however, is that Dorian may have been motivated to take out the country’s ability to launch a nuclear salvo based on reports that Mr. Trump has openly mused on more than one occasion about using nuclear warheads against hurricanes before they strike U.S. interests.
“Somebody get me the ambassador to Hurricane Dorian on the phone, damn it,” Trump barked. “There has to be something we can do to stop this assault!”
That’s when the president’s third-smartest male progeny came into the Oval Office. Donald Trump Jr. was carrying a toy rotary phone with a face on it. The president smiled.
“Perfect my boy! Just perfect! The special presidential hotline,” President Trump said, taking the phone from his son. “I’m so glad they set up this special phone for me that lets me talk to anyone I want in the world.”
Trump picked up the toy phone’s receiver and spoke loudly.
“Hello? Hello? Hi, please put the ambassador to Hurricane Dorian on the phone with your favorite president, please,” though no one was actually on the other end of the line, Trump continued as if he’d been connected with someone. “Ambassador! Hello! It’s great to speak to you. Look, I need you to get in touch with the King of Hurricane Dorian. Tell him to back off! I need this, okay? I need a win, because the economy is teetering, my base is shrinking, and I’m getting literally dumber by the Tweet!”
After 30 minutes of intense dialogue with himself, Trump ended the phone call with the ambassador to Hurricane Dorian. Trump opened a drawer in the Resolute Desk and pulled out a bag of Big Macs from McDonalds that is kept fresh and rotated often at his command. While the president ate his Big Macs and stared out the window, aides rushed to get more meetings convened. No response to the attack has been made public.
The White House did not comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”