BUBONIC FALLS, IDAHO — 56-year-old Peter Peterson is in dire trouble, and it appears that he could be living his last moments on Earth, despite “taking every MAGA-approved precaution” he could think of.
“In the last couple of weeks, I lost count of how much ivermectin I’ve taken. I decided that if it works when you get the ‘VID, it prolly works when you don’t got it neither,” Petersen told us from the parking lot of a hospital in his town. “I swear to God it does, work! I ain’t got COVID!”
However, there is a reason that Peter was in the hospital parking lot. He is currently suffering from a heart attack. Every hospital in his city, though, is full to capacity and short-staffed. Officials in the state have declared an emergency because of how bad the situation in the hospitals has become.
“Without a doubt, if more people in Idaho had been vaccinated, our hospitals would not be in this situation, and our medical professionals wouldn’t be trying to figure out how to get people care,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Idaho Medical Board told us, “but we have a lot of people living here who think the definition of patriotism is fucking over their fellow American by refusing a free, live saving drug.”
But Peter isn’t upset at his friends and neighbors who refused the vaccine and are now taking up a hospital bed he might be in right now, getting treated for his heart attack.
“I ain’t mad at the patriots who told Sleepy Commie Joe and Dr. China Fauci to stuff their vaccines up their socialist tailpipes,” Peter explained. “That’s just how it goes. If I am to die of a heart attack that would not be fatal otherwise, but at the same time fellow Deplorables are living on, that’s just fine by me. Someone will carry the MAGA torch for me, even if I die.”
UPDATE: Peter Petersen will be laid to rest this weekend. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that you send WalMart and Bass Pro Shop gift cards.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.