Thursday, March 30, 2023

Internet Evangelical Christians Publishes ALL CAPS Bible

Topeka, KS — In effort to proclaim that ‘Kingdom of Heaven is at hand,’ and ‘go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to creation’ a group of evangelical Christians have published and ALL CAPS version of the Bible. The version, called the Shouting Edition, will contain all 780,000+ words presented in all capitals.

“One of the main challenges we have in the Internet era, is getting the good news of Jesus Christ out to world,” said Seth Blame, the Facebook Hipster Christianity group administrator in an announcement. “The message is not getting out. How many people know our Lord and Savior died for our sins so that we may have eternal life? The answer is no one. We need to be louder and prouder.”

Messages typed completely in capital letters are often equated on social media to shouting and other impolite or argumentative behaviors. This became a mainstream interpretation with the advent of networked computers, from the 1980s on. However a similar interpretation was already evidenced by written sources that predated the computing era.

The Shouting Edition

All-capital print greatly retards speed of reading in comparison with lower-case type, say typography experts. Also, most readers judge all capitals to be less legible. This benefits many new believers, say the editors of the Shouting Edition, as they tend to be “slow readers anyway.”

The Shouting Edition features Christ’s words in red, as well as footnotes to would-be messengers on how to deliver the Savior’s message in a more forceful way. In an interesting twist, the audio book version of the Shouting Edition will feature conservative ‘comedian’ Steven Crowder yelling at listeners. Mr. Blame says Crowder varies his voice in character. For example, he uses a menacing voice during Genesis, but raises the pitch during the Gospels and Acts.

“We chose Steven [Crowder] because he was the best we could do. There were certainly more obnoxious comedians, but most of them were liberal atheists and didn’t return our phone calls. Anyhow, you should her him read the voice of Isiah. And he really adds an edgy condemnation when recites passages about eternal condemnation.”

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue, and seldom loses. Mostly because he's well informed. And somewhat gassy
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