SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — The White House maintains that ISIS has been thoroughly defeated, despite what the international intelligence community assesses. To that end, the Islamic Caliphate made a personnel offer that they say “greatly illustrates” the fact they have not, in fact, been defeated. They offered former NRA-TV host Dana Loesch the position of spokes-terrorist within their organization.
“When it comes to fear mongering and lying on behalf of a terrorist organization, who is better than Dana Loesch? We submit nobody is,” an ISIS rep told reporters from an undisclosed bunker today. “Sure, we’d prefer that she keep her entire body covered up while doing it, but anyone who sees Dana’s dark, ominous, threatening videos directed at American progressives knows she’s capable of just the kind of rhetoric we need around here these days.”
ISIS says they weren’t even thinking about hiring a new spokes-terrorist, but then they saw news that led them to believe that Loesch may be on the job hunt soon. The NRA announced just days ago that it was shutting down production on its NRA-TV channel. Citing production costs and the fact that they were cutting longstanding ties with the advertising firm that was helping run NRA-TV, the nation’s leading defender of the civil rights of murder implements said it was time for them to halt production on the TV channel, and Ms. Loesch was one of its most famous hosts.
“If Dana’s looking for a new group she can help terrorize Americans with, then we think she’d fit right in here,” ISIS’ representative said. “We all want a government based in Abrahamic law. We all want to be able to use our religious beliefs to take away human rights from non-believers. We just happen to have difference in tastes in deities that aren’t much different than her liking Coke and us liking Pepsi.”
Loesch should feel “quite comfortable” spending time with ISIS fighters, they believe.
“Clearly Dana loves guns, and we have a crap ton of guns. Even the automatic kind she wishes her libtarded cucked government would let her buy at 7/11,” ISIS said. “We have female suicide bombers too, so she’ll have plenty of feminine terrorist energy to feed off.”
Loesch has not indicated as of yet whether she’ll take the position offered by ISIS. She did, however, address the subject on her podcast, “Guns Over People,” this morning.
“Look, part of me says it would be crazy to move to Syria and join ISIS. But another part of me really likes money,” Loesch said. “I like money so much I’ve ignored common sense and decency for the last few years of my life and tried my hardest to convince Americans they need sixteen semi-auto rifles to feel safe, secure, and free. Clearly peddling death for cash is my jam, so I’m definitely thinking long and hard about this very kind offer.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.