Wednesday, December 8, 2021

ISIS Arranges Trade With U.S. For Hawley, Cruz, and Trump

The details of a new blockbuster trade in the Major Leagues of Religious Demagoguery are starting to emerge, though a bit slowly. According to both parties involved, ISIS and The American Taliban have agreed to swap several key players, though ISIS will end up sending mostly cash to the Republican Party as part of their end of the bargain.

“This morning, ISIS and the American Taliban agreed in principle on the biggest trade in the history of MLRD,” League Commissioner John Palpatine told reporters in a conference call today. “They’ve agreed that Senators Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, as well as outgoing lame duck one-term permanently impeached President Donald Trump, will be sent to the ISIS team for three players to named later and a cash donation to the GOP.”

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According to Mr. Palaptaine, Cruz and Hawley put themselves on the radar of ISIS’ front office in the days and weeks leading up to the violent attack on the U.S. capitol, egged-on by President Trump. Just days before the riot, Cruz was riling up a crowd of Trump supporters, seen in the video in the tweet below.

Hawley was photographed in a now infamous pose of solidarity with the very mob that ended up ransacking the rotunda.

A spokesterrorist for ISIS also held a short press conference this morning and discussed the trade, though he did not discuss the finer details of the numbers involved.

“We had no idea there were elected American officials willing to radicalize a terrorist mob and incite them into attacking the U.S. government directly,” the spokesterrorist explained. “But after we watched Trump, Hawley, and Cruz turn a rabid mob into a terrorist strike force, well, we knew we had to get in contact with their people and see if we could arrange a trade.”

Hawley has yet to comment publicly on the trade, but Cruz has already given an interview to Fox News about it.

“I’m excited for this new opportunity to spread a hatred of average Americans in a new country,” Cruz told Fox and Friends today. “I always knew that being a religious kook with a penchant for ginning up violent rage among other religious sycophants could pay off somewhere down the road, I just had no idea where, exactly, it would take me.”

President Trump is reportedly very happy about being able to go somewhere and avoid potential prosecution in the U.S. This story is developing.

RELATED: Cruz Will Insist That Congress Certify He Has an Ugly Wife and No Balls


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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