Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Ivanka Says She ‘Begged’ Her Father to ‘Pull Out Before Biden’

Former First Lady Ivanka Trump might have been a little confused this morning when she was asked about President Joe Biden’s decision to end the Afghanistan War and pull all U.S. troops out of the country by September 11th, 2021. The war is the longest running in U.S. history, started nearly 20 years ago during the George W. Bush presidency.

When she was asked for her comments on the development, Ivanka said that she was “devastated” because she had “begged” her father/lover to “pull out before Biden” did.

MORE: PALIN SAYS IT’S TIME FOR BOEBERT AND GREENE TO RETURN THE BRAIN CELL SHE LET THEM BORROW

“Joe’s pulling out, is he? Well, he got that idea from President Daddy, I can assure you of that,” Ivanka told reporters as she got a manicure at the spa in her father’s Florida resort. “Everyone knows I’ve been trying to get daddy to pull out for years! Even before he was President Daddy, I was trying to get him to pull out!”

Ivanka twirled her hair as she spoke and the reporters tamped down their gag reflexes.

“By the way, President Daddy really wanted to pull out. He was always telling me that he wanted to pull out, but that it had to be just the right time,” Ivanka explained. “Because he was having too much fun still. But he said, as soon as he, how did he put it, got so close he could taste me…it?…anyway, he said once he knew he needed to pull out, he would.”

Ms. Trump then let loose what many in the room called the wettest, loudest fart they’d ever heard, smelled, or tasted.

“That was Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” Ivanka said, clearly instinctually. “Sorry! Old habits die hard! Something daddy taught me to say when I was working with him in the Lincoln Bedroom. Man! I begged daddy to pull out so many times in that very room. Sometimes I wish he’d listen to me!”

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

MCCONNELL: “WHAT IDIOT GAVE THESE CORPORATIONS SO MUCH POWER IN OUR POLITICAL DISCOURSE?”