Thursday, June 1, 2023

Ivanka to New York Attorney General: “Daddy Doesn’t Need More Reasons to Roll Over On Me!”

LAKE VAPID, FLORIDA — When New York Attorney General Letitia James announced that her office’s investigation into the finances of the Trump Organization had transitioned from civil to criminal, the response from MAGA Nation was, to put it mildly, less than positive. Former President Donald John Mushroom Dong Trump, in particular, expressed an enormous amount of outrage at the announcement, penning a 900+ word screed on the affair.

The investigation diving deeply into the Trump Organization’s ledgers could spell certain doom for the former president and current Mar-A-Lago buffet line cutter. But because the company also employs three of his adult crotch spawn, they too could be caught up in the affair. Today, speaking to Chip Chatterly, a conservative talk radio host with a drive time show on W-KKK based out of Memphis, former First Lady Ivanka Trump lashed out at AG James.


“Like, umm, I’m pretty mad about this invest-al-gay-shun, or whatever? Because it’s, like, really bigly mean to mean, to President Daddy for sure, but also to me, Chip,” Ivanka whined to the host. “She’s trying to divide the Trumps. She’s trying to make brother fight brother, and father fight lover! It’s so rude, so disrespectful of her! How dare she try to hold rich white people accountable, Chip?!”

Ivanka told Chatterly that the investigation is making her “extra ex-specially nervous” because of the kind of man her father is.

“He got to be so pretend-successful in life mainly because he knows how to prioritize what matters to him most, and ignore everyone and everything else,” Ivanka explained. “He’s gonna roll over on me, I just can feel it. I can always feel when Daddy’s about to roll over on me, especially between his legs! And guess what, Ms. James? My daddy does not need more reasons to roll over on me!”

Ms. Trump swore that she would never turn state’s evidence and testify against her father, if the tables were turned, however.

“When I took my vows with President Daddy, I meant them. Richer or poorer, sickness and health,” Ivanka said, “in state prison, or walking free. I will always have my daddy’s back. And his front. In my mouth. What? What did I say?”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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