Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Ivanka Assures Rudy Her Daddy ‘Can’t Stiff Anyone For Too Long’

Reports are starting to circulate that President Donald Trump, who has less than a week left to occupy the White House, has directed this staff to stop paying the invoices submitted by his attorney, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Since the election in November, there have been few people in the spotlight spreading baseless accusations of fraud more than Mr. Giuliani. In the subsequent weeks since Joe Biden pretty handily defeated Trump, Giuliani and a cadre of crack cocaine adjacent lawyers like Sidney “Rat Faced Scarecrow” Powell, Lin Wood, and Jenna Ellis, have been trying to convince anyone who would listen that they had proof of widespread, rampant voter fraud the likes of which would overturn the election and install Trump as president instead. However, in more than 60 court cases filed on his behalf, Trump has lost all but one of them, and for all his efforts, the most Giuliani has managed to do is land himself a lucrative contract as a spokestroll for a new hair dye company.

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Trump is quite famous for skipping out on the bill, stiffing contractors who built his high-rises and casinos, and generally not being so inclined to pay his debts. It’s unclear if his decision to stop paying Mr. Giuliani will have any impact on their relationship. However, there are reports that Trump’s First Lady reached out to Mr. Giuliani to offer him some reassurances about her father.

“This morning, First Lady Ivanka called Rudy Giuliani and assured him that even though her father is stiffing him now,” White House Deputy Press Secretary Bobby Shihtdik told reporters, “he won’t stiff Mr. Giuliani forever. That’s because, according to Ivanka, the president can’t stiff anyone for too long. And she has the kind of firsthand knowledge of the subject that you can trust.”

According to Shihtdik, Ivanka told Giuliani that despite what her father claims in public, he doesn’t really have that much stamina at all.

“The president got winded walking from the bedroom to the kitchen, and that was before he had covid,” Shihtdik reported. “So according to Ivanka, he just doesn’t have the energy he needs to stiff someone for more than a minute, tops.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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