Sunday, November 27, 2022

Ivanka: “Why Would Daddy Excite an Erection When He Knows That’s My Job?”

LAKE PARIAH, FLORIDA — Life after her father left the White House has been quite a roller coaster of emotion for former First Lady Ivanka Trump. Exiled from her social circles after a four year period of using the levers of power in whichever way best suited her and her bank accounts, Ivanka has been — according to sources close to her — lost and adrift since January 20th, not wanting to go back to the Trump Organization where she’d have to start at the bottom and sleep her way to the top again.

Ivanka has also been largely staying out of the public spotlight, so as to not attract attention to herself. However, this weekend she gave an interview on Newsmax TV. During the interview, Ivanka was asked about the upcoming impeachment trial in the Senate, in which her fatherlover will be tried for his role in the deadly January 6th domestic terror attack on the nation’s capital.

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“Well, for starters, I think it’s just plain rude to try to hold an allegedly rich white man accountable for anything in this country. Second of off,” Ivanka told the show’s host, “this is the second time they’re impeaching him, and that’s just mean. So already we’ve established they’re being both mean and rude and I think that should end the whole discussion right there.”

Ms. Trump also said that it’s “preposterior and ridiculous” to put the former president on trial because in her mind, Democrats are accusing him of doing something he’d never do. She knows, Ivanka said, because her father always told her she’s “the one who’s good with ‘rections.”

“You can tell this is all just a joke. A big, fat joke,” Ivanka insisted. “Because none of this makes any sense. Daddy’s not good with erections. I am! Why would President Daddy excite an erection when he knows that’s my job?”

The Newsmax host was unable to answer Ivanka’s question before throwing to a commercial break.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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