SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — The tech world was rocked today by a surprise announcement from Jack Dorsey, announcing his resignation as Twitter CEO, effective immediately. Dorsey made the announcement public by sharing an internal email he sent to all Twitter employees making them aware of the news.
Speculation started running rampant almost immediately as to where Dorsey would end up next. Would he attempt to start or run a different social media platform? Would he join fellow billionaire fuckfaces Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson in the Great Billionaire Fuckface Space Race of the 21st Century? If so, how big would his rocket-peen be?
As speculation mounted, one thing became increasingly clear:
Nobody fucking cares where Jack Dorsey goes from here. Literally nobody. Probably not even Dorsey himself.
Odds are 100% that, no matter where Jack Dorsey is going to land next, he’ll be a billionaire fuckface. Wherever he goes now, he’ll do it in a billionaire fuckface way, work toward billionaire fuckface goals, and, ultimately, die a trillionaire fuckface. It’s mathematically impossible to actually care where one billionaire fuckface’s career milestones will be marked from one to the next, and quite frankly nobody at this outlet really thought it necessary to do the research to back that up, because that’s how little most people truly care about the career movements of billionaire fuckfaces.
That being said, in the interest of filling a few more lines of web space, we decided to make a phone call to Art Bodagget, Chief Historian and Knower of Some Serious Bullshit at the National Institute of Giving a Fuck, and he confirmed our suspicions.
“From all the data I have in front of me,” Bodagget explained to our reporter, “it appears that Mr. Dorsey is a billionaire fuckface, and as such, we know for a scientific fact it doesn’t matter where he works next, where he works after that, or where he draws his last, rich, mortal breath, quite frankly. He’ll do it all with a certain, billionaire fuckfacery, if you will, without a doubt in my mind. Therefore, nobody gives a fuck where Jack Dorsey, billionaire fuckface, goes next.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.