KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry “God” Schumway and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., did not mince any words today.
“Joel Osteen? You want my feelings on Joel Osteen, the megachurch guy,” Christ asked at a heavenly press conference this morning, “sure. I’ll give you my thoughts on Joel Osteen. Joel Osteen is a disgusting capitalist fuck giblet.”
Christ told the reporters in attendance at today’s briefing that he was “outraged, incensed, and enraged” by reports that Osteen’s church had applied for, and gotten, more than four million dollars in aid using the Paycheck Protection Program and other relief programs designed by the government to help struggling Americans and business owners during the covid-19 pandemic. Osteen’s church not only got millions of dollars in funding, it reportedly just acquired a new private jet. This news is perhaps even more stunning given how long Americans had to wait to get just a $600 second stimulus check, half of what they received at the beginning of the pandemic, before the economy had taken the brunt of the fallout from lockdowns and quarantines.
“How many starving people — you know, shit I actually cared about when I was down there — did Joel feed that four million bucks? What a douche wagon,” Christ fumed. “Did he use any of the cash for sheltering the homeless? For healing the sick? Did Joel, in fact, do anything even remotely Me-stian with the money? Because Me-stians are supposed to, you know, be Me-stian. You couldn’t put a cross to my wrists and force me take an obscene amount of money like that unless I was going to right around and literally dump it into the streets.”
What Osteen is, Christ said, is not a Christian. Instead, Osteen is a “boring ass, regular old capitalist.” But Christ didn’t stop there.
“Joel Osteen is a capitalist fuckgiblet,” Christ said, “that’s what he is. All he cares about is money. His manions, his cars, his planes. Helping the needy? Does he even do anything more than talk about it? Because faith without works is dead, or in common vernacular, worthless fucking bullshit, Joel.”
It’s unclear at this time what recourse Jesus has, other than putting Osteen on public blast. Ordinarily, he said, people like Osteen would be given warnings, and then eventually kicked out of his father’s trade union, but that won’t work in this case. Osteen was never an official Christian.
“I mean, don’t you have to act and do things that are Me-stian to be considered a Me-stian? That’s always how I understood it,” Christ said, “and I think I would know who is like me and who pretends to be like me, wouldn’t I?”
Osteen could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rubbing a hundred dollar bill on his balls while he said the Lord’s Prayer.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.