KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc’s CEO Larry “God” Schumway, was brushing his holy teeth, and saw something he told friends and colleagues was “really crazy” and that he’d never seen before. Christ stopped short of calling it a “miracle,” though he did say what he say in the mirror was “quite spectacular and awe inspiring.”
“I was brushing my teeth, and I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t believe it,” Jesus was overheard telling John the Baptist at their weekly squash game, “a potato chip. Just an average, every day potato chip, where I was expecting to find, you know, me.”
Christ said the experience was “quite weird” and that it left him with a little better idea what people who claim to see him or his mother in everyday objects in their life go through. Particularly, he said, he understands how frustrating it might be to have the experience met with extreme skepticism when it’s related to other people. Apparently, when Jesus told his father about seeing a potato chip in the mirror instead of his own face, God “laughed super hard” and called Jesus “cray cray.”
“First of all, I hate it when Pops uses slang, because he’s a busy guy. As omnipotent as he is, he’s always a few years at least behind the times,” Christ explained, “so he uses phrases like ‘cray-cray’ unironically and it’s so embarrassing when your dad tries too hard to be cool. But to be doubted like that, by your own father? I wanted to ask him if he’d been hanging with buddy Thomas lately. Why would I lie about this? Or, why would I all of a sudden go from not seeing things to seeing things? Doesn’t make sense.”
The incident was “weird enough,” Christ said, for him to talk to his father about it.
“Dad told me he’s had similar things happen to himself,” Jesus told reporters. “He also said that it was always when someone else, on Earth, was seeing his image in the same object in his mirror. So, if he was looking in the mirror, and saw a cinnamon roll in it instead of his own face, he knew that somewhere on Earth a human was looking at a cinnamon roll and seeing him in it. Wild stuff, huh?”
Jesus indicated that he’s not aware of who saw his face in a potato chip at the same time he saw a potato chip in the mirror. He plans to “put the feelers out” and figure it out. However, he said, he won’t publicize their name.
“That doesn’t mean you won’t see a local news report of some person in Utah seeing my face in a chip, of course,” Christ admitted. “They can out themselves if they want to; I just don’t want to invade their privacy.”
Reportedly, Lucifer G. Satan, Christ’s archrival who runs a competing timeshare company in the afterlife, experiences a similar phenomenon, though slightly different than Jesus and Schumway.
“I guess when it happens to Lucy, he sees a horse dick in the mirror, which I guess means someone down on Earth is looking at a horse dick and seeing him,” Jesus supposed. “Weird, but there are all kinds of quirky things you get used to as an eternal deity, really.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.