SEXXXY HEAVEN — Horny Jesus Christ, the super-sexed-up version of the character from the bestselling fantasy fiction series “The Whore-y Bible,” which is an edition of the Bible that features sexualized stories from the scripture, told the world today that he’s not just the “Reason for the Season.”
“Okay, sure, yes, if you want to get technical, since I’m Jesus Christ, and the word ‘Christmas’ literally has ‘Christ’ in it,” Horny Jesus admitted, “and that means I’m the reason for the season, or whatever. But don’t forget, fam, I’m fuckin’ Horny Jesus, and I’m also the reason for the squeezin’!”
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The story of Horny Jesus, as told in the Whore-y Bible, largely mirrors that of the more traditional Nativity. There are some key differences however. Instead of being born in a manger in a barn, Horny Jesus is conceived during a gangbang in a Dress Barn warehouse. Instead of having a virgin mother, Horny Jesus is born to a woman who “taketh several dicks at once,” as the Horny Bible’s verses state.
In fact, one key difference is that Horny Jesus is born a fully grown, extremely randy deity. There is no Baby Horny Jesus, as to avoid sexualizing an infant.
“And unto thee a super-horny horndog was born,” the story of Horny Jesus’ origin is told, “and that horndog was sent to Earth to suck and fuck sinners clean of their sins.”
There are quite a few similarities between the tale of Horny Jesus and the regular, traditional story. Both characters, for example, believe in treating everyone fairly, though Horny Jesus frames it in the context of “not discriminating with your dick.”
“And so I say to thee, ye who have not fuckethed someone you regretteth later, cast the first stone,” Horny Jesus told his flock, “otherwise, you should not be discriminating with your dick. Poor people fuck good too, fam.”
Horny Jesus, the man who says he was “well-hung on a cross,” also reminded earthlings to “love each other super hard” during the holidays.
“Everyone needs love. You should all love each other. As hard as you can. Super hard, in fact,” Horny Jesus instructed, “for it is easier to get your dick through the eye of a needle if you talk dirty to it first. Amen.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.