KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — If you’re going to die soon, and if when you do you expect to wind up in Heaven, you better bring your vaccination records with you.
At a press conference held from outside the bounds of human mortality, Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., announced that Heaven would be instituting a vaccine passport program, starting immediately. Citing the surge in COVID-19 cases in the United States, Christ said there’s an “urgent need” to protect the souls who rest in Heaven from the “selfishness and stupidity” of people who choose not to get vaccinated for political reasons. Jesus indicated he’s angry that so many people are eschewing one of the three approved vaccines for the prevention of COVID-19, mainly out of partisanship.
“I honestly don’t see why anyone who lived during the 20th or 21st centuries would even care about this,” Christ said during his presser. “After all, proof of vaccination has been part of international travel and even registering students for classes for a long, long time. But I guess some people feel like the slightest inconvenience is tyranny.”
In the United States, polling data shows over 30% of registered Republicans, a large, substantial portion of which are evangelical Christians, have indicated they don’t have any intention to ever receive a COVID-19 vaccination. Jesus said that news of those polls is what forced he and his father, Larry “God” Schumway, to implement Heaven’s new vaccine passport program.
“It’s really simple. There are more souls in here than just MAGA souls. Except, unlike down there,” Jesus said, “Dad and I don’t feel the need to placate the unvaccinated, unwashed masses. So they can either choose to get a COVID-19 shot, wait two weeks, get another, and be let in, or they can bring their vaccine card. I guess a third option is they can go to Hell, and let’s be real — that’s where most of them will end up anyhow.”
Already, the governors of Texas and Florida have indicated they will direct their attorneys general to file a lawsuit against Christ and Schumway.
“We are outraged, as Floridians, that Jesus would be so discriminatory as to who gets into Heaven, and who doesn’t,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said to reporters today. “This isn’t some golf club trying to keep melanin-enhanced Americans out. This isn’t a baker refusing to bake a cake for a gay wedding. This is, and I do not use this term lightly, treason against MAGA, and we will not stand for it.”
Christ, hearing the news of DeSantis’ lawsuit, issued a short reply.
“Ron DeSantis is a cunt,” Christ wrote.
This story is developing.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.