Wednesday, December 8, 2021

“I Guess I’ll Just Have to Bomb Iran All By Myself!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A visibly upset John Bolton was seen angrily leaving the White House this morning, having tendered his resignation at the request of President Donald Trump. Mr. Trump announced the personnel decision via Twitter, an obscure social media platform the president likes to use on occasion to send his most presidential and hinged thoughts out into the ether.

As he was exiting the White House with box of personal effects, Bolton could be heard shouting back over his shoulder. It’s presumed that he was yelling at President Trump. Aides say spittle and tears were flying from Bolton’s mouth and eyes as he was escorted off the property.

“Oh sure! Use me up and get rid of me like one of your pee-pee prostitutes, Don! I see how it is,” Bolton was heard shouting. “I gave you a few of the best months of my life! Because I thought, silly me, that we had an understanding. I thought we got each other! I thought we were gonna do great things together! But you RUINED EVERYTHING!”

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Bolton, a stalwart hawk on defense and still a strident defender of the Iraq War, told everyone in earshot it’s “time for [him] to make matters into [his] own mustachioed hands.”

“I guess I’ll just have to bomb Iran all by myself! All by lonesome,” Bolton screamed as more tears filled his eyes. “Bombing brown people used to be something every Republican agreed with no matter how racist he was or wasn’t. Now? It seems the worm has turned, and I don’t like it one bit sir! What good is having a facile, vapid puppet in office if he won’t just willy-nilly blow shit up with you?!”

Ambassador Bolton was seen hurling his “Welcome to Team Trump” coffee mug across the White House lawn.

“Guess I won’t be needing this fuckin’ thing either, Donny,” Bolton cried out in anguish. “I don’t feel very welcome anymore do I? Would it have killed you, Don?! HUH?! Would it have killed you to vaporize one small population center somewhere in Iran? No of course it wouldn’t have, because it would’ve killed THEM. You goddamn idiot!”

Once more, Bolton made it seem very likely he will begin his own bombing campaign within Iran, but gave no definitive time table.

“I’m not going to telegraph my moves! But let me just assure the American public of one thing,” Bolton said to camera crews watching the whole spectacle. “I will win in Iran with the same force and gusto that we won with in Vietnam, and in Iraq, and of course, in Afghanistan. I mean, I guess, I assume. To be honest, I never actually served, so I kinda have no clue how that whole war thing works, but I’ll figure it out. Can’t be that hard, right?”

The White House did not respond or comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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