WASHINGTON, D.C. — The results of last month’s presidential haven’t really been in much doubt since just a couple of days after votes started to be counted.
Because some states were forbidden by laws enacted by Republican officials, mail-in votes were not counted until after in-person votes had been, resulting in outgoing President Donald Trump crafting the alternative reality in which he won, and former Vice President Joe Biden “cheated” in order to win. Elected Republican loyalists have tried to explain why President Donald Trump actually won November’s election, and it has not been an enviable task to do so.
Men like Congressman Jim Jordan and Rep. Matt Gaetz of Ohio and Florida have attempted to thread a needle in which they cast doubt on the top ticket race, but not the races they’ve also won recently. Gaetz and Jordan have become two of Trump’s loudest supporters, arguing time and again that, despite lacking evidence to prove it, Democrats stole the election from Trump.
As reported by Satirical Facts, Rep. Jordan said in a recent press conference he knew “for a fact” that Trump won, not Biden, because he and Gaetz “wouldn’t blow just any old loser.”
“All I’m saying is that if you stop counting votes when you get a to a number no Trump supporter can reasonably count to,” Jordan told reporters today, “the president wins. And I think we all agree it’s fundamentally unfair to count votes to a number that is insulting to both the character and the numeracy of your fellow Americans, is it not?” (SatFacts)
Gaetz, in his own interview on OANN, said that he thinks Democrats “are guilty of a fully legal, Constitutional coup.” Gaetz cried himself to sleep many nights because of it. Republicans are “losing because of math and democracy,” Gaetz insisted, calling them “clear tools of George Soros’ angry Bob Mueller Angry Democrat mob.”
“If I didn’t have the six or twenty pints of gin in my system every night,” Gaetz said, “I’d be a real fuckin’ mess right now, let me tell you what.” (SatFacts)
At a joint press event two days ago, Gaetz and Jordan tried one more time to explain in simple terms why they do not believe it is even possible that Biden defeated Trump.
“HI! I’M MATT GAETZ AND I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REFUSE TO MODERATE MY VOLUME FOR THE SAME REASON I REFUSE TO MODERATE MY BEHAVIOR IN A PANDEMIC AND THAT REASON RHYMES WITH ‘I’M A SELFISH FUCKING ASSHOLE!’,'” Gaetz shout-yelled at reporters at close range, maskless, “I DON’T REALLY HAVE A POINT OTHER THAN TO STAND HERE AND BE LOUD AND MAKE YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” (SatFacts)
At that point, Gaetz reached down behind the podium and retrieved a case of Natural Light beer.
“ANY FUCKING HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW,” Gaetz screamed at full volume while opening a beer, chugging it down, and repeating that process three times in succession, belching, farting, and scratching his ass, continued, “HERE’S MY BUDDY-PAL JIM JORDAN. HE’S GONNA SAY SOME REALLY DUMB STUFF, BUT REALLY FAST AND WITH THE TONE OF A PREACHER, AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS, SO BOOM! CHECKMARK, LIBTARDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! GAETZ, OUT! WE’RE STILL SAYING THAT LIKE RYAN SEACREST IN FLORIDA, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” (SatFacts)
Then, Gaetz face planted, knocking himself unconscious.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.