WASHINGTON, D.C. — To be fair to him, Justice Brett Kavanaugh was only on his fourth Bud Light of the morning. Everyone who’s worked with the Supreme Court justice, the second of three installed by the Trump regime, knows that his brain doesn’t quite function the same until he’s had his full “morning 6-pack.” That lack of mental clarity this morning has reportedly led to a moment of brief embarrassment for Justice Kavanaugh.
“Hey! Hey! Clarence! C-Dog, c’mere,” Kavanaugh was overheard saying to Justice Clarence Thomas in the Supreme Court breakroom this morning. “Man, that new girl is smokin’ huh? So hot! What I wouldn’t pay to have a Devil’s Triangle with Super Spreader Amy, huh?”
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“Yeah, I almost told her I found a pubic hair on her judge’s robes this morning, but that’s my best line and I didn’t wanna shoot my wad early,” Thomas laughed. “She’s one fine piece of ass, wouldn’t you say, from a Constitutional Originalist point of view?”
Thomas agreed with Kavanaugh, who was cracking and chugging beer six now. When he’d finished the beer, he crushed the can on his forehead, belched loudly, grabbed his crotch, and threw the can at the trashcan, missing horribly.
“WHY DID THE HILLARY CLINTON LEFT CONSPIRE TO MOVE THAT TRASH CAN AFTER I THREW THE BEER CAN AT IT,” Kavanaugh shouted, tears forming in his eyes. “I LIKE BEER! OKAY? I LIKE BEER! AND WHEN I GET DONE, I BURP, CRUSH THE CAN, AND THROW IT INTO THE TRASH, AND THEY HAVE RUINED MY REPUTATION FOR ALWAYS NAILING THE SHOT!”
Crying and burping the whole time, Kavanaugh bolted out of the breakroom and ran right into Chief Justice John Roberts.
“John! John! That new girl…hot, huh,” Kavanaugh asked Roberts. “That Super Spreader. Dayumm, I’d be boofing and zooming all over her with Squee back in the day!”
Roberts seemed confused.
“What in God’s name are you talking about, Brett,” a clearly bemused Roberts asked. “Have you had your morning six-pack yet?”
Kavanaugh giggled a drunk giggle.
“Of course I have, John-boy! I’m talking about that new girl,” Kavanaugh explained. “You know, Super Spreader Amy? Duh, John! Fuckin’ duh!”
Kavanaugh punched Roberts playfully, but a little too forcefully on the arm.
“Wait. Wait. You ‘re calling her Super Spreader Amy, Brett? That’s not professional of you,” Roberts said. “Yes, she was at a super spreader event, and acted very recklessly in letting Trump put that celebration on for her, but that’s no reason to keep calling her Super Spreader, Brett.”
Kavanaugh was starting to get emotional, again.
“What the hell, John? What’s your problem? I like beer! And I like bitches too,” Kavanaugh shouted. “So what if I call her Super Spreader! Who cares? She’s hot! She prolly spreads real good-like! SHUT UP! I LIKE BEER!”
At the time of publication, Kavanaugh was passed out under his desk, Ratt blaring on his boombox, his office floor littered with empty Bud Light cans.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.