Tuesday, July 27, 2021

The Klan Told Kayleigh McEnany She’s ‘Too Full of Shit’ to Work For Them

All or part of this story first appeared on The Pastiche Postand is reprinted with their full, written permission, below.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Someday very soon, White Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany is going to need a new gig. Despite all of her current boss’s best efforts, his legal team hasn’t managed to convince any judges that they should just cancel the results of the 2020 presidential election, and states are moving toward certifying them instead. This means that by January 21st, McEnany will be in need of a new job, and sources are reporting she’s already submitted dozens of resumes, and has even started to hear back from some prospective employees.

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Mostly, Kayleigh is hearing rejections, but one rejection in particular has reportedly stung her ego quite heartily.

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“The Ku Klux Klan was one of the top organizations that Kayleigh was interested in transitioning to, once her grift as Press Secretary concludes,” one source close to the situation told W-QRN’s Leslie Talalovich this morning, “and she sent her resume to them first. They were one of the first ones to tell her ‘Thanks, but no thanks.'”

According to the anonymous source, McEnany was rejected by the klan not because they didn’t think she was good at her job, but because of how good at it she became.

“Her job was to lie to the American people on behalf of her boss. Now, a lot of press secretaries have lied and stretched the truth,” the source explained, “but Kayleigh took that whole paradigm to a new level. And the klan just kinda thought she was such a lying fuckface that they wouldn’t be able to trust that she’s as racist as she pretends to be for Trump.”

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Though her application was declined, McEnany reportedly received a personalized rejection letter from the klan, in an attempt to soften the blow.

“Ms. McEnany, normally we’d be foolish to reject the application of such a clearly well-qualified racist,” the rejection letter begins, “and everyone knows racist liars are our bread and butter usually. However, after discussing the possibility of your employment here, we decided against it. Mainly, we’re worried that you’re too full of shit, even for us. We have standards of truthfulness here, and we want every racist thing we say to be rooted in at least a little truth.”

The klan admits that this is a change from how they’ve operated in the past, but Trump’s loss “signals a sea change” for them as well.

“We want to try to be truthful as well as racist. No more lies about the genetic makeup or predispositions of people of color,” the klan’s letter reads, “and so we understand how devastated you might be to learn we no longer need a liar to be our spokesracist. Frankly, you’re so full of shit, Kayleigh, that we’re not even sure if you’re as racist as you claim to be, and that is a big problem for us, and our members.”

McEnany didn’t return a request for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.