NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This morning, Fox News made it official — former President Donald “Mushroom Dong” Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara has joined their ranks, and will be a “contributor.”
What, exactly, Ms. Trump will be contributing as a Fox News contributor might have been a little vague initially. However, in a segment on “Fox & Friends” this morning, Lara told the melanin-free automatons who host the show what the person who hired her said. In effect, Trump has been hired to “give Donald Trump the full Ivanka treatment,” she said.
“My father-in-law cherishes nothing more than attention. He just lives for the stuff, really. And there’s a certain kind of attention that he’s always loved getting,” Lara explained. “Whether it’s from Devin Nunes, Ted Cruz — whose wife is still very ugly, by the way –, or his beautiful daughter Ivanka, my father-in-law doesn’t really care so much. I was told that I’ve been hired to give Donald Trump the full Ivanka treatment, just…you know…publicly instead of in private like she does.”
Reportedly, Ms. Trump’s hiring has already ruffles feathers both at the network and in Congress. Several of the former president’s most strident and ardent defenders have already privately told friends and colleagues how jealous they are of Lara, and have accused her of benefiting from favoritism. In particular, a couple of Lara’s new co-workers are apparently devastated that her father-in-law didn’t think they were doing a well enough giving him the Ivanka treatment.
“Sean Hannity locked himself in a bathroom and cried all morning when he heard the news. Don has told Sean I don’t know how many times how good he is at giving him an Ivanka Job,” one source speaking to us on condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A gift cards said. “Sean will of course keep groveling and licking Don’s taint, but Lara’s hiring definitely rattled his cage quite a bit.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) issued a brief statement on Lara’s hiring.
“I send my warmest congratulations and pussy grabbing MAGA greetings to my dear friend Lara Trump on her tremendous new gig,” Cruz’s statement reads. “I just hope she remembers that she needs to share the shaft, and with so little of it to go around, I hope she doesn’t get greedy with it. But what am I saying? A greedy Trump? That’s like a lying, smarmy Ted Cruz. Unthinkable.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.