Friday, January 27, 2023

Least Popular President In History Still Struggling to Cope With Losing Popularity Contest

The least popularly elected president, who ended up being the least popular president of all time, is having a hard time coping with the fact that he lost a popularity contest last month. Word on the Hill is that the man who failed to win the popular vote in both presidential contests he entered is struggling mightily with the fact that he did not win re-election and that someone he had gone out of his way to label as “Sleepy” and “Corrupt” won instead. The pain and agony of his loss is so great, sources say, that the Sore Loser in Chief hasn’t even grabbed a single pussy since votes were cast back in November.

“I haven’t seen him this forlorn and sad looking since we told him that being president doesn’t give him the right to declare incest laws null and void in the District of Columbia,” one source told Fox News this morning, “and I never thought I’d see him crying so much as I did when he heard him telling Ivanka the news. I would say that he’s really having a hard one, when it comes to the fact that he’s a very unpopular piece of shit.”

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Another White House staffer told OAN’s Chanel Rion that the man currently occupying the Oval Office has “never quite figured out” that his Gallup approval ratings “might not matter in terms of votes, but definitely matter in terms of whether people think he’s, in general, an obnoxious cunt.”

“The simple truth is that we’ve never had a single president that more people thought was an obnoxious cunt,” the anonymous staffer told Rion, “so we’re in uncharted territory here. Without a doubt, though, he is the most unpopular man to ever hold that office, and will likely never see his approval ratings remotely close to 50% again. Sad!”

The President of the United States has become so dejected, his emotional state so fragile, that his Twitter feed has become a litany of fact-free accusations and grievances about the election. Despite he or his surrogates losing more than 50 court cases on the subject, the man hand-picked by Russia’s president to sit behind the Resolute Desk for four years continues to peddle baseless lies about the election in lieu of accepting his fate.

“Going through the president’s tweets, it’s actually much faster for me to tell which ones have not been labeled as having false or misleading information,” one administration official told us, “than it would be to go over the ones that have been marked as such. I’d say it’s embarrassing and shameful, but as you can tell by my presence still in this administration, I have no grasp of either.”

One woman, the president’s First Daughter Lady, told a conservative talk radio host that she believes her father will “eventually move on” to something else, once he figures out he can’t have the presidency again.

“It took me a long, long time to convince him he couldn’t fuck me,” the First Lady Daughter said, “and after awhile, he got the hint and just started fucking women who LOOK or ACT like me, so if we can just find something for him to do that looks and feels like being in office, President Daddy will move on and let Joe Biden be president.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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