Friday, March 31, 2023

Lebron James Forms 2020 Election Committee With Slogan: “Real Billionaire, Real President, Real Results”

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — NBA star Lebron James is considering a run for president in 2020, according to several sources familiar with his thinking process, and he’s already gotten a campaign slogan registered with the Federal Election Department.

“Real Billionaire, Real President, Real Results,” Lebron’s election committee put at the top of their press release. “We think the American people, when given the choice between a slovenly, racist, uncouth, fake billionaire conman who only sits in power because he a) cheated and b) relied on a 240 year old un-democratic participation trophy known as the Electoral College and, well, a man who is literally the direct opposite of all that, they’ll choose more wisely this time.”

The exploratory committee’s statement seemed to make an endeavor to assuage some of the criticisms Trump, or others who will defend him, might levy at Mr. James.

“Some might ask how Lebron can be president in 2021, when his contract doesn’t run out with the Lakers until the following year,” the statement reads. “That would be a fair criticism if we hadn’t been watching a doughy, out of shape, buffoon play golf almost every weekend and still claim to be presidenting. In fact, if anything, Lebron will continue to play a highly athletic sport at the time of his game, perhaps the best of all time, while Orange Fuckboi plays golf like he fucks women he doesn’t have to pay or marry.”

The Lebron 2020 committee even went so far as to say that his grueling NBA schedule wouldn’t keep James from besting Trump in another area.

“We realize it’s not saying much because a rotten potato with a dildo around its neck is going to be a better president too,” the committee’s announcement reads, “but there is no doubt that even playing more than 100 games a year Lebron would be a better president than Trump.”

The White House did not comment on this story, was Mr. Trump was out on his morning coffee/doughnut/nacho cheese dipped sausage/KFC/Diet Coke run and hadn’t been given the right dog whistle racism to tweet out from Stephen Miller just yet. This story will be updated when he’s had that chance.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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